I am laying on my yoga mat in chavasna and instead of my eyes closing to relax I have a million things going through my brain.

I know this is the opposite of what Yoga is supposed to be about but I can’t stop thinking.

March is a month of fullness, March Madness for basketball, our hometown team is back from their rodeo trip and San Antonio is getting into full gear for Fiesta, Gardening, Easter and of course allergies galore.

March for me is Carl’s birthday month and my nephew’s Birthday Month. Both are gone now, but the days are still memorialized. I can still hear Carl say “do not get me candles on a cake for my 65th birthday dinner!” Well, I didn’t order them but our good friend Marlene did and as the piece of cheesecake comes out with candles on it, everyone starts to sing and then Carl looks at me with those, “seriously” eyes and licks his fingers and puts the candles out by pinching each flame out. It was hysterical. I see it as clear as day in my mind.

There are just still days I think to myself, this has to be a joke. How can someone so real be so gone? It is probably the same question we all ask ourselves when someone we love dies. How can it be they are there in person, with all their good and bad personality traits then poof in one breath they are gone? I am still mesmerized by this.

It just seems surreal. So here I am, the hard floor beneath me and as my daughter says “your mat is always there for you” I am lying on top of, staring at the concrete ceiling. I hug myself to reassure myself I am ok. The feeling of my arms around myself because when your someone dies hugs are almost non existent. You forget the feeling of being touched. I breathe in and out and take deep breaths. Tears start to crowd my eyes and I tell myself, “not here, not now.” I fight to try and calm down but even 30 plus months after loss, in these quiet and still moments I find myself hurting and still sad.

How do some people experience loss, then move onto a new relationship? I can’t quite figure this question out. Is it because the loss had minimal value? Or they want so desperately to fill the hole in their heart they jump into a new relationship.

The quiet brings up new questions, flashes of color photos in my memory bank and aches. I know I am not alone in my grief and more importantly, I know this is real.