Gratitude

I woke up early, actually I woke myself up because it was the second night in a row I dreamt of my late husband, Carl and I forced myself awake. The dreams were telling me something and it was unsettling. I needed to shake it off.

So, I sat for a few minutes with myself, listening. Silence with the exception of my dogs snoring. I often wonder, ~ how do they do it? Sleep so peacefully. I started to grab the remote, then paused and thought, ~ What is it these dreams are telling you? Why do they make you so uncomfortable? I needed to sit with this for a few minutes.

As I wind my way through September, I am inching closer to the 4th Anniversary of Carl passing away. In some ways, it doesn’t get any easier, it gets harder. You start to forget little things.

So, you close your eyes and think real hard about the things you really miss.

I often crack myself up because when people ask me ~ What do you miss about Carl? I think well, he wasn’t great about taking out the trash, the recycle or doing laundry. He didn’t mow the lawn, he, well..... And then I burst into laughter, as I realize I was doing all of those things.

What did I in fact miss about Carl?

I miss hearing his car coming down the street, I could hear it, whether it was his S2000 or his Porsche, I could feel it as he drove down the street, the garage opening, car engine off, garage closing, door opening and in he walked, throwing his brief case on the bed, loosening his tie as he walked to the living room, he would throw up his arms and stretch to the arched door way and say, “Hey Babe, What are the plans?”

I would look up smile and think, it never changes. I can see it so clear and hear his voice so loud.

Right after Carl died, my sister commented, “I will never forget him saying ~ hey babe”. In that moment, it was sweet but as the years passed her comment stuck with me. It really was what I missed. I go back to my dreams I have had now, they sometimes come in waves at different times of the year, but I know what he is saying. Move ON. It’s OK.

It stings. Because I don’t want to ever forget him, and while Carl is a big part of my LOLA Business Plan, and I live with him every day, I realize after 4 years it is time to start pushing forward. I am not sure what that means but its more than just getting up and working, and doing the drill. The same drill I have had for 4 years of survival.

I am so incredibly grateful for Carl, he taught me so many lessons. And while I may never hear him say again ~ Hey babe! I know what he’s telling me in my dreams.