Run ....

Run.... That is what I feel like doing.  Except I hate running.  Really.  I can spin on a bike, lift weights, jump rope, throw a ball across a parking lot and hop. (and I hate hopping) but more than anything I really hate to run. 

The Run, I mention above is the one I want to do in my head that moves nauseously with my stomach.  It’s a weird feeling I get a couple of times a year.  Once when it comes close to Carl's anniversary of dying and the other is the New Year when I measure my life. 

These last few days have been about Carl, and as we inch closer into the month of September I feel it heavier and heavier in my heart. 

I am hopeful that one day I will not feel this way but let's face it, it has been 3 years. 3 years since I was paralyzed.  So, I tell myself I should be over it.  I have friends who are widows that are already dating.  Moving on with their lives. But in the words of my niece Victoria, "I just can't!" 

Maybe I tell myself it's because I don’t get out, or I have started alienating. (again) 

Maybe this is just how it is going to be.  

I have conversations with myself, "it's ok. Tomorrow will be different." But I know it's all the same.  Don’t get me wrong, I am happy, as happy as I can be without Carl.  My kids fill me up and we have enough energy and joy to last forever. I am so thankful for them. 

But Run is what I feel like doing, so I think I shall try and do the other running, the actual running.  It might make me feel good and tired so my mind stops wanting to Run.