When I thought I was in the final year of my dad's life, I did not realize I was in the final year of my marriage.

I have been quiet for a while now. It's been hard to put into words how the last ten years have somehow crept up on me and my feelings. There is much to unpack, so this is just a fair warning.

No one ever said to me I would be doing life alone at the age of 46. When I met my husband at age 20, I thought we would spend a very long time together even though he was 20 years older than me.  I am thankful we did have 26 years of friendship and marriage together. I must admit that sometimes, because of my lack of desire to do something, I remind myself how much I did in those 26 years.

It has been a minute since I last blogged about LOLA and my life. A lot has happened. At the end of 2022, I entered a new business partnership with a Compliance Firm. It made so much sense to me because they had a team that could help LOLA grow. Together with two amazing leaders, we set off on a course to see how to scale up LOLA.

I had experienced a volatile neighbor who had moved into my childhood neighborhood and started harassing my family and me. It started subtly with requests to move our lights because they shed some light at night on his totally dark property.

Everyone wants it, and seldom do we ever really appreciate it when it happens. This year was a wonderful year for me and LOLA.

Personally, I made the painfully emotional decision to move away from a childhood home that had sheltered me after all of my life losses.

I was eating brunch this past weekend, and who should walk in but one of the WORST brokers I ever worked with, and for~ I immediately felt sick.

Until that moment at Sunday brunch, I had tried entirely to forget about this old broker/boss. But WHOA, the flashbacks and memories of working for a very unpleasant person came over me like a wave. As soon as I saw him, I could not push past the memories of a time I had tried to suppress.

If 2021 taught me anything, it was to learn to love myself and the world.

If we learned anything in 2020, it is the fact that the importance and value of human touch are so vital to our physical and mental well-being.

Be the One who can make a difference…a call, a text, and an unexpected moment of gratitude towards a stranger.

For me, 2020 brought out the best and worst of all of us. We quickly figured out who was in our corner and who we needed to be wary of…. But there is THE one person who is one of my FAVORITE people in the whole wide world who helped me make it through 2020.

Life Transition. I sat staring into the eyes of a beautiful woman, who had lost her husband unexpectantly this year. She and her adult daughters were devastated, and I could see myself in her. I spoke in the kindest voice I could offer her and heard myself say ~

Don’t give up now. For LOLA, I have to admit I have witnessed and listened to families grieve like NEVER before. While some people may take this post as a political message, I say to you this ~ Death is not political.

Glass half full or half empty… As we entered into July, I knew I needed to evaluate the year, how far have I come and how far do I have to go to reach my 2020 goals?

On my first Mother’s Day with Carl, I remember him telling me ~ “Am I supposed to do something for you? You are not my mom.” (Can you picture me? Or my face?)

Meltdowns were happening before we all had to go home. We would call each other and tell each other how much work we had and how busy we were and how tired we were...

The first memory I have of my sister was of us, going to piano lessons together and when we were done, she would leave minutes before me, my heart panicking, racing as I ran after her running down the street to catch up to her only for her to stop long enough to let me catch up so our mother could see us...walking together home.

It was always like that, when we were young, she was the middle child and I the youngest. She could paint, was a student leader of her class and always knew how to smooth out any situation. As the years went by and I was 16 and pregnant, my sister drove like mad from Kingsville to meet her first nephew and the apple of her eye, Nathan. She would be the BEST aunt ever!

As my daughter and I excitedly set out to Houston for meetings, at the back of our minds was the lingering thought of a delicate pick-up from a funeral home in Katy, Texas. We encountered pounding rain driving into the city; the rain feeling somewhat symbolic- like tears, a heavy release pouring down.

Yep, every night around 3:30 AM Charlee my beloved Chocolate Labrador jumps over me on my bed to take her outside. At first, this was sooo annoying, I kept thinking, I am losing precious sleep. But then something happened.

Indy – Our Black Labrador

She was the family dog after we lost Ceasar our beloved chocolate lab who died in 2006.  He was a monster and for a childhood dog, we thought no other pet could ever match his character. 

Adyn and I set out on a Sunday afternoon to Floresville, Texas to find our new puppy. She was a tiny black Labrador and the lady selling her said she would knock off $50 if we took her then and there. SOLD! We first had to chase her down and then put her in the car where Adyn held her all the way home.

Carl named her after the Indianapolis 500 because she loved running in circles around the front and back yard.  She won over Carl’s heart in a New York second.

Carl never picked on her, he always treated her as royalty. As the years progressed and we grew into another black Labrador, (Oliver) these two were our children after our kids went away to college.

When Carl grew ill and flew back to San Antonio for work one last time before going to Mexico for Cancer Treatment, Nathan told me how Indy jumped up to Hug Carl as if to say hello and good bye.

When Carl passed away and we made it to my father’s house, both labs were waiting for us – as a matter of fact they came running into the front yard to greet us. It was them comforting us when we needed it most.

The past 5 years we have been blessed having Indy to keep the other dogs in check. She has been a best friend, a comforting hug and wet sloppy kiss. We will miss her.

We owe her so much for her time with us and are grateful for her love. Rest in Peace Sweet Indy Girl ~ You are loved so much for a job well done.

There are no two losses that are the same

My late husband had four children. Two from his first marriage and two from ours. He was a fabulous father who did so much for each of them during his lifetime. And when Carl passed away, like most blended families, everyone went their own ways.

For me, it was hard to see his son Jason, not because there were any hard feelings...I mean, sure there were plenty of times we wanted to erase each other, but the common love for Carl was what kept us on good behavior.

I had a hard time seeing Jason because he sounded and resembled his dad and it was difficult for me.

Throughout the 26 years of our marriage, Jason became a paraplegic and suffered from multiple mental health issues. Each time, Carl would take Nathan and intervene and help as best a father-son duo could for Jason.

After Carl passed away, Nathan and Jason would remain in touch but in the last year it got increasingly scarcer. So, when Adyn and I saw Jason at a mutual friend’s family birthday dinner about two months ago, he looked great. We laughed and talked and then we said our goodbyes. Not realizing so much was to happen in Jason’s life. He had mentioned his wife and him were separated, and he was living alone. Alone. As I look back and reflect on this, I know having mental health issues and living alone is not a good combination.

On Monday June 24th, I received a call from Jason’s best friend. Distraught and overwhelmed with grief, he said Jason had taken his own life.

Numb. I sat in my car on the side of the road. How? Why? What?

As I sat and listened, I realized his friends did what they could and what most families do; they turned inward. Not knowing what to do, tired from the endless work of helping someone as they spiral.

I know, because my entire life I watched and witnessed and participated in my mother’s own mental health battles.

I asked how I could best support, knowing this was not my loss to work through all the details. I talked to Nathan who sat in total disbelief, shock and sadness for someone he called Big Brother.
I sat in my office chair and watched and listened to Nathan tell his little sister that Jason was no longer here.

Sadness and confusion consumed the conversations.

It has been a week since Jason took his own life and I prayed and begged God to let him through the gates as a Healthy young man, walking into his parent’s arms in heaven. It was all I could do for someone who shared his father with me, Nathan and Adyn.

Jason will forever be the kid I met in New York City on our way to Italy, the brother who twirled Adyn around and around and the big brother who took Nathan on countless camping trips in Colorado and the beach here in Texas. Jason was Carl’s best man at our wedding and said we were the “chaos theory”. His artwork, photography and love for his savior Jesus Christ will be honored forever.

After Carl died, our blended family was deep in grief and I remember asking Jason to pray for all of us because he was the most prayerful of us all.

Suicide, no one understands it and like I said before – there are no two losses that are the same.

If you or someone you know is in need of help, please call the National Suicide Hotline at 1-800- 273-8255.