Depression, it has found me. I am just days away from having said goodbye to Carl, and I am flooded with decision after decision after decision. People are coming by my childhood home where I am staying to drop off food and everyone wants to just drop by. They all just want to be sad with me. I get it. I just feel so shut down.

Sometimes you just want to be alone so you can actually hear the rattling in your head. I am not sure why when someone dies, people want to smother you. I know it comes from a loving place, but is it that they think they are being supportive? Because I am still in disbelief.

I sit quietly, my head lying on the bed, my hands holding onto Carl. How did we get here and why are you leaving me? We had a plan. We had a plan. This was not the plan.

You were supposed to move to Denver with me, go sail and come back and we would have evenings staring at the mountains and drinking wine. We would go ski on the weekends and laugh the entire time. Instead, I am sitting here, alone, thinking how did this happen?

I see Adyn and bolt to the door, Carl has passed. I go to him and think this cannot be real, but, at the same time I am so happy he is no longer in pain.

The kids, quickly usher me out of the room, I grab onto Carl’s clothes and hug them. I won’t let them go.

Adyn takes me to the family room where she is gathering everything. I fall into a chair and think, “what now? No mom, no dad, no husband...what now?” I must say it out loud because Adyn says “mom you have us.” And I say “you guys have your own lives, I am all alone.”

I am sitting in the room with Carl, he has been changed out of his clothes he flew home in and is now resting. I pull up a chair and hold his hand and tearfully apologize. I am so sorry for not getting you to Port A, I softly say aloud.

I am in disbelief that after the sprint we have been through these last 50 or so days since my dad passed that here we are. Can it really be possible that the man I fell so deeply in love with is slipping away from me? How will I cope without him?