Half empty or half full ~ mid year thoughts

Year half full or half empty…

As we entered into July, I knew I needed to evaluate the year, how far have I come and how far do I have to go to reach my 2020 goals? 

I was so optimistic about ringing in the New Year with my friends and family! Wow…2020, I made it through the 5-year mark of being a widow, a single mom, a new business owner and so much more. I wanted more than anything for this year to be the year of transition for me.

I close my eyes and can still feel the loneliness after losing my partner of 26 years. And I remember the words coming out of my mouth to anyone’s questions~ just give me 5 years. Why 5 years? Because I had spent the previous 26 with a man who I met on a blind date, who ended up being my forever person and I did what no other human wants to do, I crossed him over the threshold of death. I have so many widow friends who jumped right on into dating, and I never judged them because everyone manages death and loss differently. I, on the other hand, gave myself the time to just BE. Be Me. Be mom. Be Esther.

So, flash forward to 2020 and I knew this was THE year to start building my own dreams. And well so far, I can’t say this is what I was envisioning. What I got was so much MORE than I ever thought I would get. I got time with my kids, to talk, laugh and learn together. To allow ourselves to not focus on the future but focus on the present day, living every moment to its fullest.  There were a few moments we would ask out loud when our current status would be lifted and in the next breath, as we watched New York, we knew that we were in for the long haul. So, I took a deep breath…in and out.

I set out during this time to do as much creative work for LOLA as I could for my company and learned how technology was our friend and we could still reach our families and network of partners needing our help. We are unique, we do things you cannot even begin to imagine when a loved one is diagnosed or dying. We step in to do the business of it all so families can grieve and not worry about bill collectors.  We manage chaos and can do this virtually.

As I take a breath at mid-year to reflect on what has passed and what is in front of us, I pause to ask the question, is the glass half empty or half full? I think in my heart it is more than half full. I know we have been lucky and safe these past 6 months, and I also see the emptiness of it as well ~ the goals I had, but I know someday will be realized. It may not be now but will happen.

I see in my glass half empty things I will never complain about again and I just plain miss ~ too many Starbucks coffee meet-ups, having idle chat with associates, partners, friends. Get togethers’ for dinner or a car ride to an event, or even attending an event together. Waiting at a restaurant for a table, and hearing families celebrate in a room. Seeing someone I genuinely care about and walk-up with vigor to hug them and say hello, visiting a friend in the hospital, holding my best friend’s newborn, the milestones of life~ just a few things I miss.

The answer is the glass can be half empty and half full~

My dog keeps waking me up at night...

Yep, every night around 3:30 AM Charlee my beloved Chocolate Labrador jumps over me on my bed to take her outside. At first, this was sooo annoying, I kept thinking, I am losing precious sleep. But then something happened.

I walked outside with her instead of standing at the door and started looking up to the moon in its different phases and it occurred to me – I get it. I was being reminded of growing and patterns.

We all tend to look at each year and rush out the gate in January to new rules, goals, and resolutions. We are measured by our jobs in our performance by quarters and we push, push, push!

My financial advisor looks at the numbers and gives an analysis of where I am and where I need to be, to be secure. The year starts to fly by when we feel the heat on our skin and the splashing of kids jumping in pools, the smell of our neighbor’s charcoals, and the sweat rushing down the sides of our temples while outside trying to water our yellow crunchy grass.

We can’t help but feel nauseous when we start seeing the Halloween stuff go up and shortly after the Thanksgiving reminders and yes, the Christmas trees. A slow groan runs deep within my soul feeling like I am less than more as I eat a bag of almond joys and snickers.

So here I am standing outside, at 3 AM and I am staring at the moon and reminded we all need to stop the rushing, pushing, and internal measurement of “where you are supposed to be” and just be still in yourself. You are alive, you are amazing, you are doing good for yourself, and your family. You are Beautiful.

Embrace the moments, because we are not guaranteed any certain amount of them. Stop listening to anyone who wants to scare you with your future self and, be like the moon.

Know you have phases and appreciate each of them. So, thank you Charlee for not only waking me up to let you out but for making me step outside and look up at the one thing that guides us all. My moon.

Peace to all of you.