We do the work, and then...

"We do the work, and then nothing happens~ it is so frustrating."

The first time I heard this statement, I stood in my front yard talking with San Antonio Police officers.

I had experienced a volatile neighbor who had moved into my childhood neighborhood and started harassing my family and me. It started subtly with requests to move our lights because they shed some light at night on his totally dark property. Then, the acorns and leaves fell on his yard and roof. Our 50-plus-year old Oak Tree that my parents planted when they purchased the house was now over 100 feet in the air and grand~ she was beautiful. My children and nieces had pictures standing in front of the tree. Day after day, there was another request from the neighbor to cut back our tree (which we did) more and more. The demands kept coming and became more volatile and harassing.

Our family had to call out the SAPD 20 plus times in 5 months because the 70-year-old neighbor targeted us with insane requests. SAAFE officers attempted to reason with the neighbor pointing out the young couple on the other side of his home; his trees hugged over and into their shared fence line. The neighbor would respond, "they don't bother me." The police recommended videotaping his behavior after they had come out when the neighbor could not stop yelling at us over the fence line. He suggested leaving the house to de-escalate, so we did. When we arrived home, the neighbor was dragging the top of a tree from his backyard - where he had no trees. While we were gone, he had gotten on his ladder, leaned over our fence into our backyard, and cut down 20 feet from the top of the tree. He left limbs hanging because we arrived home during the process. We were stunned! An attorney friend came over to assess the damages. During this time, we videotaped the 20-plus-minute interaction between the attorney and neighbor yelling at each other over the backyard fence. The "conversation" was irrational.

"I've been down this road before, and this won't end until one of us leaves, and it's not going to be me! I don't like their mixed family," the neighbor told our attorney-friend.

And he was right. Night after night, he would stay up, flash his headlights into our bedroom windows, putting his car in forward and reverse over and over, flashing his flashlight into my grandson's room, banging on his metal garages at night, waking up my 4-year-old grandson and dogs in the middle of the night. He put up metal sheets bordering our fence line to fall at night, creating a shattering noise, blaring his music out his side garage door into my grandson's room. Then the nights turned into all-day activity, staring at us from inside his windows when we were out front playing with my grandson. When a neighbor called me one day and said this man was sitting on his roof staring into our backyard and home, I knew he was not safe. We have over 100 photos and videos of him leaning over our fence and taking pictures of my grandson's room with his phone. I hired overnight private security and put up bigger fences, bushes, and landscaping. And he kept going higher and higher all day and all night long. Week after week, sometimes 2-3 times a day, we would call the police. When we heard him threaten to kill my son and saw him carrying a gun while walking in his front yard all day, I had to decide how to get out of this and away from him.

"I am going to ruin their happy home!"

And he did.

This home holds a special place in my heart, as it was my childhood home. My parents bought it, and like treasures, stored within it are all my cherished memories of growing up in a wonderful neighborhood. When my dad and husband died in 2014, this home and neighborhood welcomed me home and wrapped their arms around my kids and me to grieve.

So, deciding to file a temporary restraining order and then preparing to move was difficult. We filed charges of terroristic threats and harassment against our new neighbor and fled the home. We packed everything up, put it into seven storage units, and stayed in an Airbnb for three weeks until we closed on a new home. We had endured enough, proving him right~ One of us would have to leave, and it was us.

In the months after leaving, we learned he had the new owners cut back that 50-year-old tree he harassed us about for months. Even Judge Gabriel, who heard our civil case, said not to cut the tree. But when we moved and new owners moved in, he got them to do it ~ he was not going to stop.

In February 2023, the District Attorney's Office called us to pull together any receipts of things we had to pay for due to this neighbor's harassment (for purposes of restitution). It wasn't until then that we learned SAPD had pursued the terroristic threat and harassment, and detectives investigated before sending the District Attorney's office to press charges. The neighbor was arrested and released on bond. We finally felt some relief until we learned less than a week later that Assistant District Attorney Jessica Thompson would close the case due to insufficient evidence.

"Let 'em Go, Joe" had happened. When we called to speak with her, she said she had the authority to make the decision and did not represent us and owed us no apology because she represented the state. When asked if she had reviewed the 100-plus photos we had sent before the pretrial hearing, and the $21,000 in costs we incurred, she was quiet, sitting on the phone, breathing, not saying a word. Did she understand we had to leave our home? She said NOTHING.

Simply put, she was Apathetic and rude. I explained to her ~ We are the People of the State, and we were the victims.

I was stunned and thought, where is the opportunity for all of this? How does this experience create room for growth for anyone who goes through what we went through? How does the District Attorney educate his staff of attorneys, victim advocates, and clerks to walk a family through the process of how they came to their decision? How do they decide if they will drop felony charges to let the victims know what other options exist to resolve and find completeness around the pain? Right across the hall is the Dispute Resolution Office. How does this play into their roles so victims can find some resolution?

Calls to Ms. Thompson's supervisor, Dan Rodriguez, were not returned neither were attempts to reach the District Attorney himself. No one, not the Victim Advocate, the ADA, or anyone in their office, had the where with all to sit and explain how they came to their decision. I think that is what families deserve. I get it they have tons of cases piled on them, and they must determine which cases they can WIN and which they decide on without their investigation of calling the police and the victims and reviewing all evidence. Ms. Thompson personally did not conduct her own investigation. Was this a "trade" with the criminal attorney for some other case?

That neighbor walked out of the Bexar County courthouse and knew he had WON. That his harassment WON. And everything he said he would do to us was A O K.

Silence ~ that is what we got. I reached out to the police officers who had pushed these charges through, thanked them, and let them know that they were indeed right. The District Attorney may say he is "hard on crime," but we firsthand felt what they meant that the District Attorney Joe Gonzalez's office failed us and their hard work.

There is an opportunity for the DA; if he had called me back, I could navigate him to resources to help coach his team through implementing programs other cities' District Attorney's offices have for cases like ours. The felony crime initially charged against the neighbor in October 2021 was reduced to a misdemeanor before they even had the pretrial hearing in February. If a family must leave their home due to harassment and a death threat, what message does this send when the ADA drops all charges without any explanation?

There is room to improve the behavior and create a communication process for the Bexar County District Attorney's Office. But for now, Silence and Disappointment are what I feel.

Esther Cardenas Pipoly is the Owner and Founder of Loss of Life Advocates (LOLA), helping families, employers, and business owners navigate life crises and end-of-life events.

Breathing

Pause, sit, breathe.

It is now February of 2022, and this is what I do to remind myself that everything will be OK. To breathe in and out sounds simple, but over these last few years, I have learned that we sometimes take advantage of our breath. We don’t give it enough attention.

I marvel at people as they have navigated back in and out of the pandemic, masks, no masks, shots, no shots. Whatever their preference was or is they just do it to move forward. And I ask myself, are they really breathing? Do they understand how to take a profoundly deep breath from the bottom of their belly?

Taking in the 4 -4 -4?

While attending a class instructed by my girlfriend, Stacie Orsagh, a Yoga & Oils extraordinaire, Stacie was the first person to teach me how to take a deep breath. The first time I truly listened and felt it, I was like ~ “How have I been alive all this time?” Of course, sitting in a still space with no distractions helps.

As we moved through 2020, finding our breath was more important than ever, but a new awareness came into being. Breathing in or around others may be dangerous. The very thing we needed and moved through was now playing a trick on us. We sat still, dared not to cough, or sneeze. Our breath was now something we were leaning into and having to manage.

It’s been a few years of this, and many of us are experiencing pandemic burnout. We are tired and weary trying to work, raise our families, and keep up with the ever-changing mandates. Layer on top the grieving people who need a shoulder to cry on, and breathing has a whole different meaning. When you grieve, your breath is part of your healing.

In the last quarter of 2021, I leaned into genuinely learning how to breathe with my Coach, Diana Duncan. She showed me how to help myself through breath and body awareness, so on the days when I start to feel overwhelmed, I stop. If I am driving, I pull over and park. Close my eyes and take in a deep breath and simply breathe. And when I do this, I allow that little zone of sadness, joy, and gratitude to seep in to remind me how lucky I am.

So do this~ close your eyes,

4 seconds breathe in, 4 seconds hold, 4 seconds exhale 

Repeat

And let your mind go.

2022 ~ we are ready for whatever you bring.

Grateful

Grateful.

It is an appropriate word for this time of year~

I have to admit, the past two years have been a roller coaster, and I have had a VIP pass to all of the events. When 2020 began, I had high hopes for LOLA. I was in my 4th year of a start-up business, and the year was off to a great start.

Clearly, I remember being in Laredo, Texas, and hearing the County Judge at a hospital ribbon-cutting event say, "we are shutting everything down." I drove back to San Antonio feeling like I was living in a movie, unbelievable. The ensuing days that followed were surreal, with businesses large and small feeling the effect of a pandemic. WHAT NOW?

PPP. PPE. EIDL….

Covid19 immunizations, are they to be trusted? Rushed.

I could see and feel the turmoil, but we at LOLA lived through this reality on another side. Families were separated, medical professionals were overwhelmed and, medical facilities were bursting at the seams. Families were suffering; they were unprepared and grieving without the human touch that is so essential before, during, and after a loss. Our new reality was only beginning.

I can recall walking a client through the decisions and process of her mom coming off the ventilator. We discussed plans and her sadness. Hours later, I answered her phone call only to hear the cries of a daughter wishing she had more time, wishing she could hold her mom.

2020 was brutal ~ there were so many families affected.

As we entered 2021, there was hope.

Except, my reality for the new year was not what I had hoped for and envisioned. I got painfully sick, had double pneumonia, lost 12 pounds, and felt weak—what a horrible way to begin a new year. We were at the height of a pandemic.  Families were calling, companies were calling, and I was lying on my back ~ taking calls and forwarding them to other LOLA Advocates. For almost four months, I felt helpless.

I spent the rest of 2021 crawling back up, getting back to what was necessary for company growth, and focusing on life. I allowed myself to be vulnerable, and for the first time in years, I allowed myself to eat and gain weight. I learned to ask for help from my children and yield to them.

If 2021 taught me anything, it was to learn to love myself and the world. My heart was a sponge. When the people who meant the most to me were hurting, my body took it all on. I became a human storage unit of grief. I had to make a change.

I think, as an entrepreneur, one of the most honorable things to know is when you have grown a business to its potential in your mind and turn it over to a new style of potential to develop even further.  So, in November, I took a step. I put myself back on the ledge, and with the help of great Coaches, I told myself it was time to focus on what I LOVE and get out of the way. Get a new breath of freshness into LOLA.

This new year, 2022, holds the most excitement for the company LOLA as her (Lola's) grandson, whom she loved, takes the wheel and charges forward so I can focus on growth in a new direction. The most loving thing I can do is respect what I dreamt about, grew, and made into a healthy 6-year-old – be, become, and continue to inspire myself and help others.

Cheers to 2022, to coming out of the fog, gaining clarity, and for me, holding more hands and Loving LOLA. And if the world throws us more lemons, let us make lemonade.

Esther

Personal Touch

If we learned anything in 2020, it is the fact that the importance and value of human touch are so vital to our physical and mental well-being.

The automation of working from home, zoom calls, and longer days with less time in between became the new norm to the point of exhaustion. We no longer had the commute to work and back home to release the day or let go of whatever was on our minds. Our days became filled with zoom school for our kids, quarantine, or isolation when someone had Covid19 followed by Covid19 tests and unfortunately dealing with the death of a loved one whose family we could not console.

As we stumbled on in 2020 things became clearer and clearer to me that people in the most traumatic moments still needed personal guidance and support. I know If I had to download one more app to get to what I needed I was going to scream. As we worked with families through the tough moments, it became increasingly clear, they simply needed the sound of a human voice telling them we had them covered. They were not alone.

Everyone comes to us from a different angle or point in a life transition, and no two clients needing help to have a direct line of answers to their questions. It really is a Concierge style of supporting them through these moments that we learn to welcome them into our LOLA family.

So, while our world got smaller through online apps, video, and live streaming, we learned that when you are dealing with a family who has a loved one that is going to transition or has passed away, there is no automation to the process of love and caring in those difficult moments.

When I lost my dad and then my husband 63 days apart, I used to say “if one more company sends me one more checklist or a link to go to an automated checklist, I will scream! What I need is a human, to tell me where to begin, how to take care of myself and, remind me they were there to help ME.”

Some days are harder than others, and in the last 12 months, I have heard grief expressed much differently than ever before. So many have been alone in their grief, unable to share with family members and friends because we were not allowed to gather outside of our homes. I have been honored to have those difficult conversations with families so they understand what is about to happen and how they can be as prepared as possible for one of the darkest times in their lives.

Simply put, there is no app or online system that can do what only a human being can do especially a human with a passion to care for perfect strangers. That is why we have such great Advocates and Trusted Partners, people who truly want to help and dive into the deep end and hold your hand.

We all still need the personal touch.

See You Later Alligator! You are in my rearview mirror.

That is how I feel about 2020. I can honestly say I have had some of the highest highs and lowest lows this year. From a fabulous start in January to a halting screech in March. Panicking over how I will make it through and keep my business alive. Trying to help families via video and phone calls. It all seemed so overwhelming. And honestly, I was scared. 

Then there was a moment when I stopped, listened, and thought about what the universe was telling me. I realized, that even when I thought the loneliness would kill me someone called me, texted me, or reached out. I learned to tell those people I really and truly loved that I loved them. I created space in relationships that no longer needed my attention.  I leaned into what I was feeling and let myself be angry or cry.  I even realized that maybe this was preparing me for something else.  

I have seen the best and worst in people, and in a year with so much friction and distractions, I had to learn to pay attention to what our society was turning into. We are so divided that we have forgotten how to love each other without reservation.

I don’t know about you but I long for the days to be in a crowd, to sit in a restaurant, or have the freedom to have dinner with friends. I long to just go to a spin class and as the lights go out and the music starts to pump, I can breathe into my body and let it go as my friends all around me do the same thing.  I now know what I really appreciate and what I miss so much.

I miss the human touch, reactions, embraces, handshakes, and kisses. 2020 came in with a vision and as I look back in a clear view, I see that I am forever thankful for all of you who have supported me. I don’t know what 2021 will bring, but I am hopeful that things will improve. Let’s face it, we may never be the same again, but if we can possibly do one thing a day to make one other person’s day better then let us start there.

Be the One who can make a difference…a call, a text, and an unexpected moment of gratitude towards a stranger. 

In the meantime, as we say See You Later Alligator to 2020 ~

 Let’s invite in, the elephant in the room – 2021.

2020 ~You know that one friend? The award goes to…

For me, 2020 brought out the best and worst of all of us. We quickly figured out who was in our corner and who we needed to be wary of…. The ones that made you laugh, who encouraged you, and those who you decided needed to be blocked because the differences were too loud for you. For me this year has brought back the people & friendships who have leaned into me and I into them.  

But there is THE one person who is one of my FAVORITE people in the whole wide world who helped me make it through 2020.  You know, the person you could get stuck in an elevator with and laugh for hours…and when the firemen open the doors you go, “how you doing?” Friends style…

A little back story.

The first time I met my person of 2020, we were a match made in life… we met in 2006 at PCA Health Plan. We worked together and celebrated moments of happiness, talked about Seinfeld episodes, and also vented about our ongoing management that was ever-changing. We drove miles to be with each other to have lunch. And when one day at lunch he said he was having heart surgery he did it so fast between, by the way, and turned to the waiter at lunch and said I will have an ice-tea, I almost died…like…umm I need a little bit more runway for this type of news!

So, for years, my 2020 person was the one I could pick up the phone and say ~ HEY, How, you Doing? ~ (Friends style) and we would pick right up no matter how many days, months, or years went by.

But then came the dark time when my 2020 person walked me through my dad’s end-of-life transition. He was My Person to say ~ it sucks, but time will heal you~ and he was right.

And within weeks, as my husband laid in a bed dying my husband said ~ CALL JOSE, HE KNOWS WHAT TO DO AND WILL BE THERE FOR YOU.

And yes, Jose, my 2020 person, was there on the runway at the San Antonio international airport, waiting for me and probably got the only scream I let out loud. My only moment of losing it…he was so calm and cool you know the voice I needed to hear at that time. ~ Pip I got you~ he said.

So, fast forward and pop into 2020, and yep IF I could go through this year with ANYONE, for me it was my friend Jose Martinez.  We laughed so much this year, masks on, hand sanitizer spray you name it, we had curiosity around what was going on in the world and had moments of sadness and disbelief, and we did it together.  I am so Thankful for a friend like him and his partner Paul, who put up with us! 

Who is your 2020 person of the year?

Don't Give up Now.

Don’t give up now.

As we enter into September, I can vividly see back in March when we first entered into COVID19 hibernation and pandemic when Dr. Fauci said, “we could be into this for months at least until August”…  AUGUST?!!!  My kids and I freaked! Good grief how will we ever make it? Toilet paper, paper towels, food limits, could we do this for the next 5 months?

As we entered into May, we had conflicting messages ~ it’s ok to go out, don’t wear a mask, wear a mask, open up restaurants and bars, shut them down, go back to work, go home.  Need I go on?

In our sweet Texas town of San Antonio, so blessed with many people who are friendly and love our Mexican food, (mainly tacos) we started the summer with Memorial Day. Families gathered, friends got together, and graduations began like none other before. New ways of celebrating life’s most important moments were captured on social media. I have to hand it to families with high schoolers graduating, they made some really cool moments.

 In late June, our numbers of those infected crept up and our community was clearly under attack. Precautions were taken and we slowly went back to our homes being cautious.

 For LOLA, I have to admit I have witnessed and listened to families grieve like NEVER before. While some people may take this post as a political message, I say to you this ~ Death is not political. Death will take us all and does not care whether you are young or old or relatively healthy or not ~ Death is sad. 

 Families are hurting, families are struggling to balance home schooling, work and life.

 Families are watching their loved ones die on Facetime or Zoom. They cannot wrap their brains around this reality. Families who were in need of hearts, had cancer or some major illness, are grieving their loved ones who are also dying during this muted time. Families are struggling and sad.

 My message is simple ~ No matter what the media shows you ~ DO NOT GIVE UP NOW.

 Continue to do everything to protect the ones you love as well as strangers.  Now more than ever is a time to be Selfless. 

 If you know someone needing support during this time, please let us know, we are here to help.

 www.lossoflifeadvocates.com

Meltdowns

Meltdowns were happening before we all had to go home. We would call each other and tell each other how much work we had and how busy we were and how tired we were... then one day it all started to change, and as each day grew into another, we had to slow down, pivot, and find new ways to communicate, work with our clients and coworkers. Let’s face it, we all watched paint dry on the wall.

Our new norm has been to cram as many Zoom or WebEx calls into a day to feel like we were still busy and not losing ground. We have been tirelessly trying to figure out how to balance kids, spouses, and work all the while watching the world slowly come to a pause.

So, as I start to review emails coming in from different groups and publications taking notice of the Mental Health of their workforce and providing resources, I want to share my thoughts with you.

These last few weeks have felt like the time period right after my husband died when I felt sad and heavy and numb. I started to have the classic STERBS again, you know, eating, drinking, shopping too much. I was doing some things like an Indy 500 driver and other things like a sloth. I could not find balance. When he passed, grief and depression found me on my employer's 5th-floor bathroom floor. Crying so hard I could not catch my breath. I didn’t see the signs coming at me until I was there, in that space on the floor.

So, in these last few weeks, I have had to “check myself” and find new ways to love myself. I have had to slow down, remember to make lists and find time to love my family. Because NOW, will never happen again. Making dinner together, eating together, watching tv, taking walks together, or just talking outside will be hard to do once we start to re-enter the new frontier. So LIVE in the NOW.

The publications and emails are not wrong, some of us are at home and isolated and not handling things so well, and others are filling up the space so tight we feel our heads are going to pop off and when we return to work, we will be exhausted and have a Meltdown.

SO, take a deep breath 4,3,2, 1...in and out and breathe.

If you need support, there are several resources we can point you to for help. We work with a team of wonderful professionals. We are here to be a heart with ears for you and most of all remember you are LOVED.

www.lossoflifeadvocates.com

My dog keeps waking me up at night...

Yep, every night around 3:30 AM Charlee my beloved Chocolate Labrador jumps over me on my bed to take her outside. At first, this was sooo annoying, I kept thinking, I am losing precious sleep. But then something happened.

I walked outside with her instead of standing at the door and started looking up to the moon in its different phases and it occurred to me – I get it. I was being reminded of growing and patterns.

We all tend to look at each year and rush out the gate in January to new rules, goals, and resolutions. We are measured by our jobs in our performance by quarters and we push, push, push!

My financial advisor looks at the numbers and gives an analysis of where I am and where I need to be, to be secure. The year starts to fly by when we feel the heat on our skin and the splashing of kids jumping in pools, the smell of our neighbor’s charcoals, and the sweat rushing down the sides of our temples while outside trying to water our yellow crunchy grass.

We can’t help but feel nauseous when we start seeing the Halloween stuff go up and shortly after the Thanksgiving reminders and yes, the Christmas trees. A slow groan runs deep within my soul feeling like I am less than more as I eat a bag of almond joys and snickers.

So here I am standing outside, at 3 AM and I am staring at the moon and reminded we all need to stop the rushing, pushing, and internal measurement of “where you are supposed to be” and just be still in yourself. You are alive, you are amazing, you are doing good for yourself, and your family. You are Beautiful.

Embrace the moments, because we are not guaranteed any certain amount of them. Stop listening to anyone who wants to scare you with your future self and, be like the moon.

Know you have phases and appreciate each of them. So, thank you Charlee for not only waking me up to let you out but for making me step outside and look up at the one thing that guides us all. My moon.

Peace to all of you.