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As my daughter and I excitedly set out to Houston for meetings, at the back of our minds was the lingering thought of a delicate pick-up from a funeral home in Katy, Texas. We encountered pounding rain driving into the city; the rain feeling somewhat symbolic- like tears, a heavy release pouring down.
Indy – Our Black Labrador
She was the family dog after we lost Ceasar our beloved chocolate lab who died in 2006. He was a monster and for a childhood dog, we thought no other pet could ever match his character.
Adyn and I set out on a Sunday afternoon to Floresville, Texas to find our new puppy. She was a tiny black Labrador and the lady selling her said she would knock off $50 if we took her then and there. SOLD! We first had to chase her down and then put her in the car where Adyn held her all the way home.
Carl named her after the Indianapolis 500 because she loved running in circles around the front and back yard. She won over Carl’s heart in a New York second.
Carl never picked on her, he always treated her as royalty. As the years progressed and we grew into another black Labrador, (Oliver) these two were our children after our kids went away to college.
When Carl grew ill and flew back to San Antonio for work one last time before going to Mexico for Cancer Treatment, Nathan told me how Indy jumped up to Hug Carl as if to say hello and good bye.
When Carl passed away and we made it to my father’s house, both labs were waiting for us – as a matter of fact they came running into the front yard to greet us. It was them comforting us when we needed it most.
The past 5 years we have been blessed having Indy to keep the other dogs in check. She has been a best friend, a comforting hug and wet sloppy kiss. We will miss her.
We owe her so much for her time with us and are grateful for her love. Rest in Peace Sweet Indy Girl ~ You are loved so much for a job well done.
There are no two losses that are the same
My late husband had four children. Two from his first marriage and two from ours. He was a fabulous father who did so much for each of them during his lifetime. And when Carl passed away, like most blended families, everyone went their own ways.
For me, it was hard to see his son Jason, not because there were any hard feelings...I mean, sure there were plenty of times we wanted to erase each other, but the common love for Carl was what kept us on good behavior.
I had a hard time seeing Jason because he sounded and resembled his dad and it was difficult for me.
Throughout the 26 years of our marriage, Jason became a paraplegic and suffered from multiple mental health issues. Each time, Carl would take Nathan and intervene and help as best a father-son duo could for Jason.
After Carl passed away, Nathan and Jason would remain in touch but in the last year it got increasingly scarcer. So, when Adyn and I saw Jason at a mutual friend’s family birthday dinner about two months ago, he looked great. We laughed and talked and then we said our goodbyes. Not realizing so much was to happen in Jason’s life. He had mentioned his wife and him were separated, and he was living alone. Alone. As I look back and reflect on this, I know having mental health issues and living alone is not a good combination.
On Monday June 24th, I received a call from Jason’s best friend. Distraught and overwhelmed with grief, he said Jason had taken his own life.
Numb. I sat in my car on the side of the road. How? Why? What?
As I sat and listened, I realized his friends did what they could and what most families do; they turned inward. Not knowing what to do, tired from the endless work of helping someone as they spiral.
I know, because my entire life I watched and witnessed and participated in my mother’s own mental health battles.
I asked how I could best support, knowing this was not my loss to work through all the details. I talked to Nathan who sat in total disbelief, shock and sadness for someone he called Big Brother.
I sat in my office chair and watched and listened to Nathan tell his little sister that Jason was no longer here.
Sadness and confusion consumed the conversations.
It has been a week since Jason took his own life and I prayed and begged God to let him through the gates as a Healthy young man, walking into his parent’s arms in heaven. It was all I could do for someone who shared his father with me, Nathan and Adyn.
Jason will forever be the kid I met in New York City on our way to Italy, the brother who twirled Adyn around and around and the big brother who took Nathan on countless camping trips in Colorado and the beach here in Texas. Jason was Carl’s best man at our wedding and said we were the “chaos theory”. His artwork, photography and love for his savior Jesus Christ will be honored forever.
After Carl died, our blended family was deep in grief and I remember asking Jason to pray for all of us because he was the most prayerful of us all.
Suicide, no one understands it and like I said before – there are no two losses that are the same.
If you or someone you know is in need of help, please call the National Suicide Hotline at 1-800- 273-8255.
Our LOLA Advocates Wear Super Hero Capes!
How many of you have been in a car accident and wished someone else was there to guide you through all the crazy stuff?
Recently, our LOLA Advocate Jesse Morales helped a family who had been in a serious car accident. With a car totaled and injuries, he was able to assist them. His 20 plus years in the insurance industry allowed him to be able to focus on the family, helping guide them through all the nuances of what happens after an accident. He was their HERO! Moving them through all the processes because he knows where the gaps are!
Filing an auto claim
Legal referral
Gao claim for auto
Credit counseling for auto replacement
Shopping for a new car
Personal Injury claim Just to name a few things....
LOLA loves to help our clients get prepared by walking them through all the forms to make sure they have everything in order in case of a life transition, but we also serve a ministry to our clients, being there with them during difficult moments.
When we serve our clients, we refer them to only the vendors we feel can empathize with them during the difficult moments.
If you want to learn more or know someone who would be a great LOLA Advocate, contact us. Our Advocates fill in the gaps everywhere!
Call or text us at 210-802-2224 Email info@lossoflifeadvocates.com
If you look into clouds, you can see baby footprints in the sky
I started to write about Mother’s Day and then an image lit up in my head. An image of a client I recently helped that lost her baby way too soon. The vision of her bravery hit me like a wave, and as much as I wanted to write a blog about my own kids, I knew what my heart wanted to do was write about hers.
For the sake of privacy, I won’t say her name, but she is beautiful. Imagine a picture-perfect Hallmark card mom with 4 sons. Her hands are full with their energy and when she lost her baby son, she and her husband dove right in and swallowed up the Grief.
They showed us how to handle as best as possible through faith what it looked like to answer God’s call for their son. While to some it made no sense, to her as a mom, she did what so many of us do all the time, we get up, and start moving to make mac n cheese for the other kiddos. She played and laughed with the boys and knew at the back of her brain how much it hurt yet showed grace to us the entire time.
It has been a few months since she and her husband suffered their loss. But to me I can go back to the day we sat and tried to cover up grief with laughter and I remember then I said to myself, her Mother’s Days will always be a little less in some ways and she will know more about the meaning of Mother’s Day better than the rest of us.
While most of us will visit with our kids this Mother’s Day, I ask you to sit for a moment, take a deep breath and think of this lovely lady and send her light and love for her first Mother’s Day without her baby.
If you know someone who has suffered a loss and is a Mother, please reach out and send them your love and light.
Happy Mother’s Day to my client, who I will forever adore. And to all the moms and daughters out there- Happy Mother’s Day to you~
LOLA
We will call you when the death certificates are ready….
Now what??! I asked myself. There were so many things to do yet I was emotionally exhausted. Exhausted from comforting others who were sad I had lost my spouse, sad that my life had changed and would never be the same. Sad because there would always be a BEFORE and now an AFTER when I thought of my life story.
The funeral director paused and asked if there was anything else they could do~ but Everything they could do was done. I was lost, standing on the hot pavement knowing that every single person up to this moment had done Everything they could do for me.
I was alone, to figure out the challenges of my late husband’s life and now I had a new title Widow. I was confused and looking for help, I needed direction but from someone who could be impartial, lend a helping hand and not judge me. I needed someone in the deep end of the pool to say I would be alright.
I already had friends telling me they had looked up the 5 stages of grief created by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross. And telling me which stage they could help me with…
I needed someone who was not my family to listen and help me make a plan.
When I speak to hospice worker’s I marvel how they usher a family through death knowing that they have another family right after and how they do this with grace and so much compassion, but they acknowledge they end the relationship at death, where the funeral home begins.
When I speak to Funeral home Directors, I tell me them what they do is amazing but after the funeral (other than grief support - which I didn’t need the first 12 months) what else can they do? I get a blink-blink of the eyes and they ask me well what else is there?
There is so much to do. This is one of the reasons I started LOLA. So that I could catch that family member before they fall off the cliff after the funeral.
If you or someone you know needs help due to a recent diagnosis or a recent loss, please remember LOLA. We are here to help.
“I am so unhappy with my current Financial Advisor...do you like yours?”
I was sitting in the office waiting area of a Financial Advisor who works closely with LOLA when an older lady I had come up in the elevator with blurted this out across the room to me. She had arrived with me and was sitting and waiting for her appointment. I had noticed she seemed upset and she had made a big sigh before she said this out loud to me.
I reached in my purse and gave her my card, I mentioned that I was a consultant and would be happy to help her. She said that her seasoned Financial Advisor of many years had left the group and they had given her as a client to a new young kid. I cracked up, “Thank god I decided to let my grey hairs grow in!” We both laughed. She said she was unhappy and had no idea how to change from the guy they had assigned her to. I mentioned she could go to any advisor she wanted and that she had a say in the process. About 2 minutes later, the office manager came up and told her that her appointment was the day before and her Advisor was out of the office. The lady looked at me and asked if she could meet the Advisor I was there to see. I nodded my head and said, “you can have my appointment time!”
We quickly discussed her lengthy career in teaching, then my Trusted LOLA Advisor came to the front and I mentioned he may have a new client. He sat back on his heels and said he was happy to help. We met briefly regarding another client and then I left him and this cute lady to meet and see if the connection was good.
Many times, we get to refer out to our valuable resources for LOLA clients, breaking through all the layers of interviewing and time it takes to find the right person for their team.
We enjoy seeing our clients make great connections with resources we think are valuable.
Children, Parents & Loss ~ Our Corporate Plan
It’s not something anyone wants to think about. Ever. We received a call late last week from a Corporate Client of ours needing help for one of its most valuable employees. After the initial shock of hearing the news, we immediately jumped in and started to help.
I have to admit the funeral home was a bit taken aback, not quite sure what I was doing standing in their foyer asking about services but after I explained I was Advocating for a family, they provided the information I needed. I am used to working with most funeral homes and have made great contacts with a lot of them, but this was a new relationship I was building.
We contacted the church and drove out to gravesites to provide scope for the family.
Our goal is to lessen the blow for families.
On Saturday, I received a call from the funeral director asking for some family information and she politely said, “We do what you do, we do it all the time, so rest assured we have this…”
I hesitated and then told her it was my job to make sure the family feels safe and supported. I know funeral directors do their best and they do a great job. Our job at LOLA is to provide guidance and support. Plus, we are there for the family way after the funeral to help provide support and guidance.
As I sat on Sunday morning and was putting an obituary outline together, I realized Advocating is one of our key goals to be there to help at a most vulnerable and sad time. While we think most people have families to help them, sometimes they need a third party to step in and just be there in observance ~ to let the entire family grieve.
Children are God’s true blessings and when for unknowing reasons they are taken from us too soon, it feels unsteady and sad. Our mission at LOLA is to support before, during and after a loss.
Our Corporate client hired us to help prepare their employees and support them during a life transition. It’s a perfect fit to provide the support the employee needs then guide them into an Employee Assistance Program or counseling at the appropriate time.
We value our clients trusting us, and our partners. The funeral directors and pastors are miracle workers with what they do, and we are so grateful for them and their service.
LOLA is here to provide guidance and support before, during and after a loss.
Thank You President Bush ~
I couldn’t take my eyes off the train carrying President George Bush (41) home from Spring, Texas to College Station.
I was obsessed with every detail of the ceremony – from beginning to end. The number of times they played -Hail to the Chief- and thinking his family must cringe knowing they are one step closer to burying him next to his loving partner and daughter with every note.
I thought how Amazing it was he picked every little detail about his funeral, and I laughed thinking it really was Trains, Planes and Automobiles to the very end!
I was touched how he even picked out the food his family would have on the train on the way to College Station and when he arrived, and they played the Aggie Fight Song, I as a Texan, burst into tears. My heart burst with JOY that he was home with his wife and daughter! Let’s face it, it was inevitable that I would cry, and I did get tearful when his son George W. Bush cracked at the end of his eulogy and watching James Baker do the same, I was fighting back what was my underlying feeling this whole week – sadness.
Sadness for someone who graced the offices he served with confidence, adored his wife and loved his family. Who could ask for more in a human?
When I reflected and thought about it all, I realized WHY I was so obsessed with every detail. Because HE had preplanned his funeral. Now, I know we are not all Presidents and we don’t have the budget for this grand of an affair, I can say this was a final lesson he was teaching all of us.
Be prepared. Have the conversations. Don’t be afraid to tell the people you LOVE that you LOVE them. And have a vision about how you want to be celebrated and how you want your family and friends to feel about your life and legacy.
That was one of the many reasons I created LOLA. Because I want people to say, “I want my life to be celebrated this way and I want my family to feel loved to the end.”
I was recently at a local senior home to pick up some paperwork for a client and I took a moment to stop and feel gratitude for all the wonderful people who everyday get up and take care of family members who no longer can live at home or function within a family any longer. I could see Angels in the room.
Most people drive by these homes and don’t think twice until they are faced with a loved one’s situation. I have to admit I was in the same space until my dad had to enter into a home. I learned to rethink how we as humans respect each other and how at the end of someone’s life it could be the most important time of a loved one’s life where respect and dignity is so important. There is a special kind of person who values the life of those that have become unable to care for themselves and are willing to share holidays working to care and support their patients to make them feel comfortable and secure. They provide the buffer to families, so they can share time with their loved ones. I can recall picking up my dad, driving him out to Boerne, Texas dropping him with friends to only turn around and pick him up three hours later to return him back to the nursing home facility to the waiting nurses to administer a change and medical support. I was exhausted and didn’t want to miss anything nor want my dad to miss anything. It was a busy time and I knew at some point, I would lose my dad ~ but it was the nurses who were the real hero’s that waited on him and helped him change, bathe and get ready for bed. I would sit and watch and think, how thankful I was for each of them.
If you ever want to look into the future, stop by and walk through or become a volunteer. Many families are worn out trying to care for their loved ones in a home while working a career and raising their own family. It can be so incredibly overwhelming. So, this year, give Thanks for your today, your everything, meaning your family and friends. The present is so important, give way to any disagreements to share time and space to know one day we could be in a place where we depend on perfect Angels to care for us and provide the buffer for our families.
Give Thanks to those Angels who show up and care for those that cannot speak for themselves on holidays and everyday.
Be present in your Thanksgiving.
Years have passed and in some ways the holidays never get any easier.
I have made new friends, and still have great times with old friends. But as the weather begins to change and I awake each morning a little chilled I think ~ here come the holidays. I walk into an HEB and am instantly reminded of what is to be and I cannot avoid it. The wave of emotions hits as I go up and down each aisle. I know HEB doesn’t mean to do this to me but its stings.
Rainy, rainy Sunday mornings. They almost make you want to sleep in and hide for the day or get some work done that is much needed. For me, I decided I needed to clean up emails. So, I poured my coffee and dug into my first email account. I clicked to go to the first pages of emails and then it stopped me in my tracks.
September 2014, I had not gone back there in a long time.
But as I started to scroll, I started to think to myself ~how could I ever forget the pain, confusion, anger, frustration and sadness from this time period in my life?
LOLA Case Study
We recently received a referral from a Non-Profit Board in San Antonio. They had received news that one of their employees had just passed-away suddenly and they wanted to help her husband.
Time of Loss clients are never the same, they all start off at different places in their process and so it takes a little time to establish what their immediate and long term needs exactly are at that moment.
I called over to the husband and he was expecting my call. He was so open and willing and ready to sit down to meet. He was overwhelmed with the details of his wife’s death. She handled a lot of the bills and everyday items around the house. He was overwhelmed by family and friends and nervous about the funeral.
When we first met, we walked through his grief, and we role played when people asked about how his wife died, how he could respond. We then looked at all of his bills and financials to see which accounts had her name, their joint names and his names on them. He had just purchased a car for her so he was overwhelmed with what to do with the car. (moving from 2 incomes to 1 was stressing him out) We spent a good 2-3 hours together outlining a plan and what we could handle for him.
During the next 6 weeks we would meet, talk and email. We picked up Death Certificates and helped get them out to providers, banks and vendors for him. We reviewed his medical benefits and helped set him up for a doctor appointment to get him benchmarked. We assisted with moving a 401K over to his financial accounts and held on the line with him and social security to submit the claim for his wife’s death benefit. We advocated for him at the car dealership and they took the car back. He needed help filling out forms so we assisted him with completing them to ensure they were filled out correctly.
At the end of our time together he quickly became part of the LOLA family. He was getting ready to embark on a road trip to grieve and begin his new journey on the life highway. My heart was so full that we could clear the path for him.
When people ask us what we do, it’s different for every single person. Because everyone’s needs are different. Its more than grief guidance, its more than helping find a probate lawyer, it’s being the guidance someone needs during their darkest times.
“How do you like your eggs?”
This is my favorite line from The Runaway Bride.
How do you know what you like if you don’t know what your favorite eggs are in the first place? I have spent the better part of 4 years trying to work through this analogy/question, because it pertains to everything in my new life.
In 2017, when I started creating LOLA, my dream was to help people in a time they needed it most. Before, during and after a loss.
However, the business side of building a dream means:
I am living in 2 different worlds. The LOLA world where my heart is always full because I am in the depths with families, helping them during the darkest of times and then in the business world dealing with vendors, contracts and the administration of LOLA.
Sometimes finding vendors who really understand you can be difficult, it can be very much like learning what type of eggs you like.
I recently had an AHA moment! And I realized I needed to begin asking these questions when it came to the business side of my life. (heck even my personal side)
Has this person experienced a LOSS? Have they ever watched someone they LOVED Die and then not know if gravity is up or down?
I realized I had a new perspective on a new-criteria I needed to start including for LOLA and myself. If you haven’t experienced LOSS, you probably won’t ever understand me. YES, I was finding the type of eggs I like, and it is a process.
Being a business owner and widow brings many new challenges, but after almost four years I am finding out a lot about myself. When I was married to Carl, everything was scrambled eggs and in the challenging times Eggs Benedict…But now, I really Love Sunny Side Up eggs!
What kind of eggs do you like?
After losing my husband, one of the biggest adjustments I faced was learning to travel alone. I asked my friend and national etiquette expert Diane Gottsman to share her thoughts on how women can learn to navigate the sometimes intimidating world of flying solo.
February 11, 2018
I thought I had processed my losses. I mean it has been over 3 years ~ surely by now I have resolved my grief...right?
Then I went to get Certified in Grief Recovery and I learned I had not really finished completing what had been brewing for almost 3 and a-half years. Yes, brewing.
I walked into a room with 8 other people, all attending to become Certified in Grief Recovery. These 8 humans would be my support group for the next 40 hours. At the end of the first day I had been cracked like a nut.
Loss.
I had never thought about Loss in the way it was described to me, but then as I started reflecting loss was more than losing someone I love, it was so many more things. And little did I know I was walking around with holes through myself. I had only covered myself up.
Loss, I learned was losing a job, a friend, kids going off to college, changes in my marriage, divorce, a financial loss or gain, loss was every change I felt and I had not properly addressed.
I started to realize that I had a lot of recovery work to do. Because when I wrote my life timeline out, I realized how many changes I had experienced.
After the first day of the Certification class I got home and knew what was going to happen, I was going to finally learn how to work through my loss with Carl and my dad. The second day was heavier and sure enough I physically felt what I had yet to work through.
By the 3rd day, I felt like I had been run over but I also felt a little Free. I had said everything I needed to and my relationships are now different. As the 9 of us who were there together looked around, we knew a true transformation had occurred.
I have met and been coached by many wonderful people, but this was the first time I felt understood and complete. I also feel like I have this new-found laser vision of seeing people and seeing the hurt and pain they are carrying.
On our 4th and last day of our Certification, we realized we can't help others until we ourselves have completed our relationships. That lightbulb clicks on and we realized while we were all in different timeline of our losses, we all had done the work.
I am excited that 2018 started off this way. It is true you should never stop learning and healing.
LOLA is a service of Loss of Life Advocates
