Grateful

Grateful.

It is an appropriate word for this time of year~

I have to admit, the past two years have been a roller coaster, and I have had a VIP pass to all of the events. When 2020 began, I had high hopes for LOLA. I was in my 4th year of a start-up business, and the year was off to a great start.

Clearly, I remember being in Laredo, Texas, and hearing the County Judge at a hospital ribbon-cutting event say, "we are shutting everything down." I drove back to San Antonio feeling like I was living in a movie, unbelievable. The ensuing days that followed were surreal, with businesses large and small feeling the effect of a pandemic. WHAT NOW?

PPP. PPE. EIDL….

Covid19 immunizations, are they to be trusted? Rushed.

I could see and feel the turmoil, but we at LOLA lived through this reality on another side. Families were separated, medical professionals were overwhelmed and, medical facilities were bursting at the seams. Families were suffering; they were unprepared and grieving without the human touch that is so essential before, during, and after a loss. Our new reality was only beginning.

I can recall walking a client through the decisions and process of her mom coming off the ventilator. We discussed plans and her sadness. Hours later, I answered her phone call only to hear the cries of a daughter wishing she had more time, wishing she could hold her mom.

2020 was brutal ~ there were so many families affected.

As we entered 2021, there was hope.

Except, my reality for the new year was not what I had hoped for and envisioned. I got painfully sick, had double pneumonia, lost 12 pounds, and felt weak—what a horrible way to begin a new year. We were at the height of a pandemic.  Families were calling, companies were calling, and I was lying on my back ~ taking calls and forwarding them to other LOLA Advocates. For almost four months, I felt helpless.

I spent the rest of 2021 crawling back up, getting back to what was necessary for company growth, and focusing on life. I allowed myself to be vulnerable, and for the first time in years, I allowed myself to eat and gain weight. I learned to ask for help from my children and yield to them.

If 2021 taught me anything, it was to learn to love myself and the world. My heart was a sponge. When the people who meant the most to me were hurting, my body took it all on. I became a human storage unit of grief. I had to make a change.

I think, as an entrepreneur, one of the most honorable things to know is when you have grown a business to its potential in your mind and turn it over to a new style of potential to develop even further.  So, in November, I took a step. I put myself back on the ledge, and with the help of great Coaches, I told myself it was time to focus on what I LOVE and get out of the way. Get a new breath of freshness into LOLA.

This new year, 2022, holds the most excitement for the company LOLA as her (Lola's) grandson, whom she loved, takes the wheel and charges forward so I can focus on growth in a new direction. The most loving thing I can do is respect what I dreamt about, grew, and made into a healthy 6-year-old – be, become, and continue to inspire myself and help others.

Cheers to 2022, to coming out of the fog, gaining clarity, and for me, holding more hands and Loving LOLA. And if the world throws us more lemons, let us make lemonade.

Esther

Personal Touch

If we learned anything in 2020, it is the fact that the importance and value of human touch are so vital to our physical and mental well-being.

The automation of working from home, zoom calls, and longer days with less time in between became the new norm to the point of exhaustion. We no longer had the commute to work and back home to release the day or let go of whatever was on our minds. Our days became filled with zoom school for our kids, quarantine, or isolation when someone had Covid19 followed by Covid19 tests and unfortunately dealing with the death of a loved one whose family we could not console.

As we stumbled on in 2020 things became clearer and clearer to me that people in the most traumatic moments still needed personal guidance and support. I know If I had to download one more app to get to what I needed I was going to scream. As we worked with families through the tough moments, it became increasingly clear, they simply needed the sound of a human voice telling them we had them covered. They were not alone.

Everyone comes to us from a different angle or point in a life transition, and no two clients needing help to have a direct line of answers to their questions. It really is a Concierge style of supporting them through these moments that we learn to welcome them into our LOLA family.

So, while our world got smaller through online apps, video, and live streaming, we learned that when you are dealing with a family who has a loved one that is going to transition or has passed away, there is no automation to the process of love and caring in those difficult moments.

When I lost my dad and then my husband 63 days apart, I used to say “if one more company sends me one more checklist or a link to go to an automated checklist, I will scream! What I need is a human, to tell me where to begin, how to take care of myself and, remind me they were there to help ME.”

Some days are harder than others, and in the last 12 months, I have heard grief expressed much differently than ever before. So many have been alone in their grief, unable to share with family members and friends because we were not allowed to gather outside of our homes. I have been honored to have those difficult conversations with families so they understand what is about to happen and how they can be as prepared as possible for one of the darkest times in their lives.

Simply put, there is no app or online system that can do what only a human being can do especially a human with a passion to care for perfect strangers. That is why we have such great Advocates and Trusted Partners, people who truly want to help and dive into the deep end and hold your hand.

We all still need the personal touch.

See You Later Alligator! You are in my rearview mirror.

That is how I feel about 2020. I can honestly say I have had some of the highest highs and lowest lows this year. From a fabulous start in January to a halting screech in March. Panicking over how I will make it through and keep my business alive. Trying to help families via video and phone calls. It all seemed so overwhelming. And honestly, I was scared. 

Then there was a moment when I stopped, listened, and thought about what the universe was telling me. I realized, that even when I thought the loneliness would kill me someone called me, texted me, or reached out. I learned to tell those people I really and truly loved that I loved them. I created space in relationships that no longer needed my attention.  I leaned into what I was feeling and let myself be angry or cry.  I even realized that maybe this was preparing me for something else.  

I have seen the best and worst in people, and in a year with so much friction and distractions, I had to learn to pay attention to what our society was turning into. We are so divided that we have forgotten how to love each other without reservation.

I don’t know about you but I long for the days to be in a crowd, to sit in a restaurant, or have the freedom to have dinner with friends. I long to just go to a spin class and as the lights go out and the music starts to pump, I can breathe into my body and let it go as my friends all around me do the same thing.  I now know what I really appreciate and what I miss so much.

I miss the human touch, reactions, embraces, handshakes, and kisses. 2020 came in with a vision and as I look back in a clear view, I see that I am forever thankful for all of you who have supported me. I don’t know what 2021 will bring, but I am hopeful that things will improve. Let’s face it, we may never be the same again, but if we can possibly do one thing a day to make one other person’s day better then let us start there.

Be the One who can make a difference…a call, a text, and an unexpected moment of gratitude towards a stranger. 

In the meantime, as we say See You Later Alligator to 2020 ~

 Let’s invite in, the elephant in the room – 2021.

2020 ~You know that one friend? The award goes to…

For me, 2020 brought out the best and worst of all of us. We quickly figured out who was in our corner and who we needed to be wary of…. The ones that made you laugh, who encouraged you, and those who you decided needed to be blocked because the differences were too loud for you. For me this year has brought back the people & friendships who have leaned into me and I into them.  

But there is THE one person who is one of my FAVORITE people in the whole wide world who helped me make it through 2020.  You know, the person you could get stuck in an elevator with and laugh for hours…and when the firemen open the doors you go, “how you doing?” Friends style…

A little back story.

The first time I met my person of 2020, we were a match made in life… we met in 2006 at PCA Health Plan. We worked together and celebrated moments of happiness, talked about Seinfeld episodes, and also vented about our ongoing management that was ever-changing. We drove miles to be with each other to have lunch. And when one day at lunch he said he was having heart surgery he did it so fast between, by the way, and turned to the waiter at lunch and said I will have an ice-tea, I almost died…like…umm I need a little bit more runway for this type of news!

So, for years, my 2020 person was the one I could pick up the phone and say ~ HEY, How, you Doing? ~ (Friends style) and we would pick right up no matter how many days, months, or years went by.

But then came the dark time when my 2020 person walked me through my dad’s end-of-life transition. He was My Person to say ~ it sucks, but time will heal you~ and he was right.

And within weeks, as my husband laid in a bed dying my husband said ~ CALL JOSE, HE KNOWS WHAT TO DO AND WILL BE THERE FOR YOU.

And yes, Jose, my 2020 person, was there on the runway at the San Antonio international airport, waiting for me and probably got the only scream I let out loud. My only moment of losing it…he was so calm and cool you know the voice I needed to hear at that time. ~ Pip I got you~ he said.

So, fast forward and pop into 2020, and yep IF I could go through this year with ANYONE, for me it was my friend Jose Martinez.  We laughed so much this year, masks on, hand sanitizer spray you name it, we had curiosity around what was going on in the world and had moments of sadness and disbelief, and we did it together.  I am so Thankful for a friend like him and his partner Paul, who put up with us! 

Who is your 2020 person of the year?

Flying SOLO

Life Transition.

It is never easy. As I sat on a zoom call with a group of professional women today discussing Grief, we all shared our thoughts on how this year has felt and all the different things we have experienced.

I sat staring into the eyes of a Beautiful woman, who had lost her husband unexpectantly this year. She and her adult daughters were devastated, and I could see myself in her. I spoke in the kindest voice I could offer her and heard myself say ~

 “I am in my 6th year and I have had to make some hard decisions this year, one being to begin my own life for myself and it has been difficult. One of my kids is angry for the decision to pull away and the other cheers me on, just know, I am here to hold the flashlight for you.”

I sat back and reflected.

Yes, this year has had many transitions.  Selling my childhood home, thinking I could live with my son and his fiancé in what we were trying to build together ~ a generational home. But as the days inched closer, I thought, I still needed to be by myself and learn to love myself alone. How would I ever even open the possibility of allowing someone else to love me if I am living with my son? I am 52. I know I am still young, and Carl told me to LOVE AGAIN.

So slowly putting the wheel in motion, I pulled out my excel spreadsheet to begin the journey. I know it sounds crazy, but I needed to know my baseline on finances, I needed to understand how I would do this ~ alone. I went to meet my lawyer and he encouraged me to be set free to fly on my own. He then said something I found myself leaning my head back and laugh at, he said ~ “EVEN AN ADVOCATE NEEDS AN ADVOCATE!”

I knew I needed to get my life-long items out of the house and that it would charge emotions, so I took my lawyer’s advice and hired Lone Star Legacy Liquidators who is not only a Trusted Partner for LOLA but also a LOLA Advocate.

Jesse Morales and his team walked through the list and showed up, packed and boxed everything and I didn’t even have to show up!  They handled everything down to reorganizing my storage unit. They held my hand through this life transition, and I am forever grateful. While flying solo is scary for me, I have landed in the softest place ever with a friend who loves puzzles, gardening, and WINE. It’s a start and I know my kids will eventually see that this selfish move is not more than a move for me to finally fly solo.

I am so lucky, my kids have landed and found love and partners and I always said once they found people who loved them as much as I did then I could move on.  I think this is called a life transition and yes, I did need a LOLA Advocate and am so thankful for Jesse and his team.

 #lossoflifeadvocates #griefsupport #guidance

Don't Give up Now.

Don’t give up now.

As we enter into September, I can vividly see back in March when we first entered into COVID19 hibernation and pandemic when Dr. Fauci said, “we could be into this for months at least until August”…  AUGUST?!!!  My kids and I freaked! Good grief how will we ever make it? Toilet paper, paper towels, food limits, could we do this for the next 5 months?

As we entered into May, we had conflicting messages ~ it’s ok to go out, don’t wear a mask, wear a mask, open up restaurants and bars, shut them down, go back to work, go home.  Need I go on?

In our sweet Texas town of San Antonio, so blessed with many people who are friendly and love our Mexican food, (mainly tacos) we started the summer with Memorial Day. Families gathered, friends got together, and graduations began like none other before. New ways of celebrating life’s most important moments were captured on social media. I have to hand it to families with high schoolers graduating, they made some really cool moments.

 In late June, our numbers of those infected crept up and our community was clearly under attack. Precautions were taken and we slowly went back to our homes being cautious.

 For LOLA, I have to admit I have witnessed and listened to families grieve like NEVER before. While some people may take this post as a political message, I say to you this ~ Death is not political. Death will take us all and does not care whether you are young or old or relatively healthy or not ~ Death is sad. 

 Families are hurting, families are struggling to balance home schooling, work and life.

 Families are watching their loved ones die on Facetime or Zoom. They cannot wrap their brains around this reality. Families who were in need of hearts, had cancer or some major illness, are grieving their loved ones who are also dying during this muted time. Families are struggling and sad.

 My message is simple ~ No matter what the media shows you ~ DO NOT GIVE UP NOW.

 Continue to do everything to protect the ones you love as well as strangers.  Now more than ever is a time to be Selfless. 

 If you know someone needing support during this time, please let us know, we are here to help.

 www.lossoflifeadvocates.com

Meltdowns

Meltdowns were happening before we all had to go home. We would call each other and tell each other how much work we had and how busy we were and how tired we were... then one day it all started to change, and as each day grew into another, we had to slow down, pivot, and find new ways to communicate, work with our clients and coworkers. Let’s face it, we all watched paint dry on the wall.

Our new norm has been to cram as many Zoom or WebEx calls into a day to feel like we were still busy and not losing ground. We have been tirelessly trying to figure out how to balance kids, spouses, and work all the while watching the world slowly come to a pause.

So, as I start to review emails coming in from different groups and publications taking notice of the Mental Health of their workforce and providing resources, I want to share my thoughts with you.

These last few weeks have felt like the time period right after my husband died when I felt sad and heavy and numb. I started to have the classic STERBS again, you know, eating, drinking, shopping too much. I was doing some things like an Indy 500 driver and other things like a sloth. I could not find balance. When he passed, grief and depression found me on my employer's 5th-floor bathroom floor. Crying so hard I could not catch my breath. I didn’t see the signs coming at me until I was there, in that space on the floor.

So, in these last few weeks, I have had to “check myself” and find new ways to love myself. I have had to slow down, remember to make lists and find time to love my family. Because NOW, will never happen again. Making dinner together, eating together, watching tv, taking walks together, or just talking outside will be hard to do once we start to re-enter the new frontier. So LIVE in the NOW.

The publications and emails are not wrong, some of us are at home and isolated and not handling things so well, and others are filling up the space so tight we feel our heads are going to pop off and when we return to work, we will be exhausted and have a Meltdown.

SO, take a deep breath 4,3,2, 1...in and out and breathe.

If you need support, there are several resources we can point you to for help. We work with a team of wonderful professionals. We are here to be a heart with ears for you and most of all remember you are LOVED.

www.lossoflifeadvocates.com

Building Caregiver Resilience

Guest Blogger ~ Ryan McGuire

Here at LOLA we help our clients to find the support they need.  One such person is Ryan McGuire who educates and trains caregivers for the roles of support they must provide.  Ryan provides in home support and guidance on how to utilize the tools a Caregiver needs to maneuver their loved one in and out of bed, a car or shower. It’s seems it’s the simple steps and maneuvers that a Caregiver can do that leads to hurting themselves which leads to added pain and inflammation…then exhaustion.

Ryan discusses the challenges and barriers Caregivers have when caring for their loved one in the article below.

I hope you enjoy his words and remember when you meet a Caregiver, look them in the eyes and tell them they are the unsung hero and are deeply appreciated.  

~ Esther C Pipoly/CEO Loss of Life Advocates/LOLA

Caregivers, the unsung heros.

Resilience is defined by the US Air Force as the ability to withstand, recover and grow in the face of stressors and changing demands. Does that sound applicable to the life of a family caregiver?

Family caregivers face every type of stressor imaginable including family conflicts, financial strain, physical and mental health decline. As a result, many caregivers suffer from Caregiver Burnout which is a term used to describe a state of physical, emotional, and mental exhaustion that may be accompanied by a change in attitude -- from positive and caring to negative and unconcerned. In extreme cases caregiver burnout leads to clinical depression. Caregivers suffer from depression at 2 - 3 times the rate of the general population.

I often work with family caregivers in workshops and support group settings. The point I try to make is that if caregivers do not have a strong wellbeing it is almost impossible to provide quality care to a loved one. That is why the ability to adjust to the demands of family caregiving and maintain a strong wellbeing is critical for the caregiver’s and care recipient’s physical/mental health.

In 2012, researchers Dennis Charney and Steve Southwick, did an extensive study of resilience in an attempt to identify which factors allow some people to recover and triumph in the face of challenges while other individuals do not. They studied people that survived and thrived following traumatic events including veterans, victims of assaults and disasters. The ten resilience factors that they identified are:

• Realistic Optimism

• Facing Fear

• Moral compass/Altruism

• Meaning, Purpose and Growth 

• Social Support

• Role models

• Training

• Brain fitness

• Flexibility

• Religion and Spirituality

All of these are so important that we should look for ways to nurture these traits in ourselves. But when working with family caregivers I want to provide the most relevant information possible. While preparing for a presentation on this topic I recently led one of my support groups in a discussion with the goal of identifying what has allowed them to be resilient in their family caregiver role. Together we helped identify what has been most important to them in maintaining a healthy wellbeing and strong mental health. The most important were:

Optimism - What the group realized is that optimism can be a learned skill (with a lot of practice). It often comes with acceptance of the situation and a deliberate decision to focus on the positive aspects of life. One support group member said, “This is the situation I am in; I want to be there for my wife and enjoy the time I have left with her. I can either get frustrated when she repeats the same things over and over or ask myself, “what does it hurt?”

The Support Group - Throughout the conversation, the group mentioned the support group has a huge factor in “maintaining their sanity”. As we took a deeper dive, we realized the support group provides many of the factors that Charney and Southwick describe. The group provides social support, they stay connected through Facebook, group text, email and outside social events.

Role models - they are able to see how each member has handled similar situations, what has worked and what hasn’t. Facing fear, through shared experiences, they are often able to anticipate what challenges may by coming and develop a plan to handle the situations.

Faith - Faith is very important to many families within the support group. A strong faith in a higher power allows many members of the group to keep the events in perspective and find purpose in the situation.

All too often family caregivers put everything they have into caring for their loved one.  We just want you to make sure you make some time for your own wellbeing. Caring for yourself is caring for your loved one.

https://griswoldsa.com/

https://www.upwardhealthcare.com/

Sisters are like waves.

The first memory I have of my sister was of us, going to piano lessons together and when we were done, she would leave minutes before me, my heart panicking, racing as I ran after her running down the street to catch up to her only for her to stop long enough to let me catch up so our mother could see us...walking together home.

It was always like that, when we were young, she was the middle child and I the youngest. She could paint, was a student leader of her class and always knew how to smooth out any situation. As the years went by and I was 16 and pregnant, my sister drove like mad from Kingsville to meet her first nephew and the apple of her eye, Nathan. She would be the BEST aunt ever! And as the years progressed and we grew older together, we shared so many laughs, eating way too much and shopping together when we would visit. Baseball games and dancing, swimming, and yes sadly, even sharing the early beginning burdens of our mother getting sick.

When our mom died, it was the first shared experience of us losing our warrior mom. Our mom was your biggest hero and well, the one person who could bring you down to reality in a New York second. We gently maneuvered through this loss together and shortly after my sister, got engaged, married, and had her first child.

The years that followed brought more children into the fold and while sisters at heart, we also carried on in our own lives – careers, children, husbands. The distance between San Antonio and Dallas is about 5 hours apart, and it grew harder and harder to celebrate moments.

In 2013 our father got sick and the following year, we endured many sisterly challenges. Our brother was always Switzerland. Neutral, never wanting to tip the boat between sisters. After our father died and my husband soon there, after she was the one closing down Carl’s office with me. I recall her holding my hand down so I could sign the paperwork because my shaking hands could not be still. She was the rock.

She drove to Denver that year to see me and the kids for Christmas and stayed until she had to return for her own family holiday. It was then I stood in the front yard of my cold rental home and cried. Cried because I was alone.

The years that followed were in and out, me trying to figure out my new life and being silent and still. My sister being patient.

And so, as I help her celebrate her Birthday, the image of waves hitting the beach shores comes to mind. We used to walk the beaches in the morning with our mom, picking up sand dollars...skipping in the waves. While we have had years together and some apart, we can still sit, laugh, talk the serious talk and look at each other in the eyes and see our mother and father’s facial expressions, and know, like waves hitting the beach, we will always have each other.

Coming home~

As my daughter and I excitedly set out to Houston for meetings, at the back of our minds was the lingering thought of a delicate pick-up from a funeral home in Katy, Texas. We encountered pounding rain driving into the city; the rain feeling somewhat symbolic- like tears, a heavy release pouring down.

This past October, LOLA helped multiple families all having lost their sons- I never do keep track of patterns when working with clients, but this grave pattern was too loud to ignore. Each family experiencing the loss of a child, a brother, due to terminal illness or tragic accident.

Not a one, prepared for the end of life.

As we met with each family, we learned of their sons and how special each one was in their own unique ways.

One family, in particular, I fell in love with (yes, falling in love with my clients does happen) as her son was tragically killed in Houston- while I never knew the details of the loss, I knew within moments of connecting with her that she was one of the strongest and proudest mothers I would ever meet. Her rawness and transparency around her loss were only magnified by her faith. She will see to it that her son’s memory is recalled by his love for Halloween, his passion for technology, and the love for his grandparents, who helped raise him.

About 10 days after losing her son, I had picked this particular mother up for a meeting. As we engaged in small talk around how she was doing, she quietly asked me if I would be going to Houston any time soon. I answered that I had meetings planned and would be there the following week. She then asked if it was possible for me to bring her son home, as he had been cremated at a funeral home near the city.

Without a hesitant bone in my body, I said I would be honored.

As my daughter and I finished up our LOLA appointments in Houston that week, we knew our most important stop would be made right before getting back on the road to San Antonio. Meeting with the funeral director, my daughter and I sat and paused. Such a heavy few moments receiving the remains of a loved one; taking on the honor and privilege of returning what was left of an accident gone heartbreakingly awry.

We carried his remains to our car, placing him comfortably between jackets. Having made the cautious drive back to San Antonio, I delivered him to his mother on Halloween morning (his favorite holiday). I sat with his mother a few moments, admiring his beautiful, commemorative urn she had ordered for him. She shared memories of him and how much he enjoyed dressing up for the holiday- as a child, oftentimes preparing weeks in advance.

In those few minutes, I witnessed the familiar (yet painfully different) process of his mother tearing up in laughter over happy memories, leading to utter disbelief. Her son was gone.

Standing up to say goodbye, I wrapped my arms around her in the warmest hug I could offer, feeling both deeply saddened and humbled by the act of bringing her son home.

When people ask me what LOLA is and what we do, I say:

“Whatever it takes to offer relief in the saddest times of life. We are advocates for the Real Stuff- like bringing someone home.”