Embracing Life’s Twists: How I Found Joy After Tragedy

The Pipoly Family

Embracing Life’s Twists: How I Found Joy After Tragedy

When I thought I was in the final year of my dad's life, I did not realize I was in the final year of my marriage.

I have been quiet for a while now. It's been hard to put into words how the last ten years have somehow crept up on me and my feelings. There is much to unpack, so this is just a fair warning.

No one ever said to me I would be doing life alone at the age of 46. When I met my husband at age 20, I thought we would spend a very long time together even though he was 20 years older than me.  I am thankful we did have 26 years of friendship and marriage together. I must admit that sometimes, because of my lack of desire to do something, I remind myself how much I did in those 26 years. I got to travel everywhere, meet very important people, and experience things that are precious core memories. I hosted parties, ran through airports, and missed flights because Carl and I were sharing a bottle of wine. We sat staring out airport windows at snowstorms, thinking we didn't care because we had each other. We watched our kids grow up and celebrated their victories. I was so blessed.

So yes, when I thought I was in the final year of my dad's life, I did not realize I was in the final year of my marriage. As I look back, would I have done anything differently? Probably not.

But I didn't know what was ahead for me after Carl died. My kids have given me such a great sense of strength and support. So, as I look back at the last decade of my life as Esther, here is what I reflect upon:

I had to fight for life insurance.

I left a city that embraced me to come back to Texas.

I returned to my childhood home.

I found new friends.

I kept a few old ones around who cheered me on.

I started a new business that people needed help understanding.

I made a few bad business decisions.

I unquestioningly trusted others.

I felt small.

Also,

I had a grandchild, and everything changed.

I became someone a small person looked up to.

I was a voice of strength for him.

I found my New number one thing.

I watched my son get married.

I gained a new daughter.

I saw my daughter get her master's degree and enter Law School.

I found my voice again.

I found what I loved and started believing that I was where I belonged.

I looked in the mirror and saw someone who acknowledged the sadness, but I am joyful for everything I have learned.

Now,

I am hopeful that in the next ten years, I will see my daughter become a Lawyer.

I will continue to see my son as a wonderful husband and father to his wife and son.

I will see my grandson go through elementary, middle, and high school.

I will sell my business and allow someone to take on the vision I had to help others.

I will see more grey hairs and wrinkles take over my body, and I will be okay with that transition.

I will probably get slower.

I have learned to be still and be quiet.

I have started saying I Love you more often.

I have learned when to hit the Stop button and say "No" more.

No one said life would be fair, but it has certainly been interesting. I Thank God daily for being here to help others and remind myself how alone I was and how many people needed me and LOLA.

The silence has been difficult because it makes you feel all kinds of emotions. But I go back to my friend and Coach, Dr. Sandra Steen, who helped me identify my inner Warrior Child- the young girl who will stand with you and guide you. She brought that to the surface when I started LOLA and told me never to forget my inner warrior child- because that is who moves me through all of the pain, frustration & sadness. I am Thankful for the Warrior in me.

Thank you to all who have made the 10-year journey with me, from friends in Denver who have never forgotten about me and checked in to my San Antonio friends who have paved a new way of life with me.  Thank you to family members who always support me and business colleagues who have always helped me with answers and a soft place to land in my moments of questioning myself and my vision.

But I am incredibly Thankful to my children, Nathan, Katherine, and Adyn, for continuing to make me laugh, smile, and be proud, whether they are near or far. Of course, I cannot forget my Number One Thing—Noah, who does make being a grandma so wonderful. I can hardly wait to witness your journey and make wonderful memories together.

Cheers to the Next 10 years~

Esther/LOLA

Peace

Everyone wants it, and seldom do we ever really appreciate it when it happens. This year was a wonderful year for me and LOLA.

Personally, I made the painfully emotional decision to move away from a childhood home that had sheltered me after all of my life losses. Why? A new neighbor moved in a year ago and started harassing my family, so in the spring, I decided we should pick up and move. It was a difficult decision to make, but it was the best decision for all of us. Since then, life has flowed more smoothly; there is more space, more laughter ~ and more LOVE.

Professionally, I took a different approach to the year. As I entered

my 6th year in business, I decided to let God lead the way. I leaned into hearing what he was saying, and he did not disappoint. He guided me to the most genuine, loving, kindhearted businesspeople who all had the same philosophy as I do. The small nuggets led to larger ones and eventually guided me into amazing things happening for LOLA. Don’t get me wrong; I had to let go of some relationships to move forward. And that caused an emotional toll on me. I proved to myself that I could do difficult things.

So, as we enter into the finality of another year, I look back with open eyes and an open heart at all the lessons I learned and all those people who touched me with their lives and losses.

I stand rooted deeply in my faith that if you stop and listen, you will find Peace. You may also hear something else ~ Your Voice.

Cheers to everyone as you spend time with your loved ones. Take a moment for your hearts and, with curiosity, look forward to a New Year of good health and LOVE.

LOLA ~ Esther

My Godmother, Mary Esther Bernal

Some of my best childhood memories are those spent with my Godparents. I recall so many weekends being at my godparent's home watching our parents play scrabble until 2 am. Us children would run around, playing in the dark and watching TV until that screen came on to say – no more tv - I had the best moments of laughter, jokes, fireworks, eating pies, and coffee until we were sick- times of my childhood with my Godparents and their family. Every milestone was celebrated together.

When I became pregnant at 16, my Godparents sheltered me so my family could plan out my future. When I had Nathan, my Godmother and cousin Becky would sneak into the hospital and bring our family priest to baptize Nathan in my room. For years, every holiday, every gift was so special. (The last gift was a flashlight I have next to my bed.)

When my mom passed away in 1999, I called to tell my Godmother, and I can still hear the shriek of grief and disbelief. After that, she, my Godmother, would become a mom to me. Always encouraging me, and she and my Godfather were my first LOLA clients to get prepared. (It helped so much with answers for her kids this last year.)

I learned so much from my Godmother about being funny, serious, intelligent, and graceful. She touched so many people through her career at San Antonio Independent School District and as choral director at San Fernando Cathedral. When someone would pass away, it was she that sat at the organ in church and played.

Sometime after my mom passed away, I was at an event for my father at St. Mary's University. I was standing with my Godmother and another family friend. They turned to me and asked me, "Do you know how you got your name?" I stared at them and replied, "I believe I am named after you, Aunt Mary Esther?" She smirked and pointed to herself, "Yes, me Mary Esther," and then she pointed to my other aunt, a very dear friend of my parents, "and her Mary Louise."

I am Esther Louise.

I stared at them and smiled. I had never put the thoughts together, and until that moment, as they both stood looking at me, I had never felt so much Love and responsibility to make sure I lived up to my name. Both women were huge giants to me, and for the remainder of the years since my mom passed, they played vital roles in my life.

Last May, when my cousin Becky called to say my Godmother was ill, I can remember feeling like I was entering the slippery slope of having another giant in my life start to die. I went to visit my Godmother in a temporary facility while her home was being renovated so that she could resume living there. She was tiny in her bed, lying in the dark. She was so happy to see me. We sat and talked and walked through some memories together. While she needed some help recalling details, she was still graceful and beautiful. I left the facility to go to her house to help her family move furniture, paint, clean carpets, and get her room set up for her arrival. I still have the pants I wore with paint on them to remind me of those few days. And when it was over and the house was ready, I ordered some groceries to be delivered and drove off.

I could not go back; I knew that the road ahead would be full of twists and turns. And the most challenging part of my job is knowing when to step back – even in the most personal matters. It's the family's rite of passage.

And then... on Thursday, March 12th of this year, as I was arriving at my office, I got the sweetest text from my cousin. And I knew another Angel was with my mom, dad, and husband. I had to laugh inside because I always joke that I have a bit of FOMO – Fear of Missing Out when all the fun people are on the other side. After all, all my funniest moments were with them.

I worked through the day, and at about 3:30, I called it a day and knew I needed to pick up a six-pack of Coronas and a bottle of prosecco and head over to see my Godfather. He sat sadly and spoke of his broken heart, and then we sat in silence. My Godparents were the last "parentals" for my kids and me. I will forever cherish every memory and moment singing as my Godmother played the piano.

Thank you, Mary Esther Bernal; I promise to try and be as graceful and elegant as you.

Esther Louise.

This Moment

This moment.

Maybe it has taken me 7 years to get to this moment, to realize that what I am doing is for this very moment – this snapshot in time.

Today was difficult, and yesterday was hard…because we knew what was coming. September 28th. The mark of time where we three, sit with our feelings and try and act like – we are ok. But we are not. We are still grieving what we all miss when we share special moments like a wedding or a celebratory dinner… the one person who somehow made us complete. Carl.

Loss is never easy, I explain that when I have an initial consult with a client and new friend because that is what we become as we share the journey together. I made it clear that I would never lie to anyone when it came to grief. It stinks, it stings, and it never gets easier. You just look at it through different lenses.

But today, we went about trying to make ourselves busy. I took the day off with the exception of 2 calls I had to make for work. Then we set out to find some sense of adventure because that is what Carl would have wanted.

After many attempts and the day grew hotter, we settled on lawn ornaments for Halloween, one of Carl’s favorite holidays leading into all the others. We took Noah’s jeep out and showed him how to clean it because every day Carl would come home, come inside, pour a glass of wine, and then go outside to clean his car. He was a maniac about it. Noah played in the bubbles, then we blew up his lawn ornaments and he jumped in to drive his jeep. We cheered and laughed and when the battery died, I jumped on his tricycle and he lept on back yelling- GOOOOO! We laughed and laughed and that was the moment when I saw the pictures later, that I realized we are coming out of the fog. Because we have this beacon of light and laughter leading us…our miracle in all of our darkness – Noah Jude Pipoly.

I always get questions about how I can do what I do ~ well the answer is twofold. One is I love helping others through their darkest moments. The second is, Noah. One day he will look back and say ~ she lived for the moments, gave me her best moments, and always loved me. He will know that life is a journey, and its most precious gift is time spent with those you love.

This moment was picture perfect.

Much Love, Esther

See You Later Alligator! You are in my rearview mirror.

That is how I feel about 2020. I can honestly say I have had some of the highest highs and lowest lows this year. From a fabulous start in January to a halting screech in March. Panicking over how I will make it through and keep my business alive. Trying to help families via video and phone calls. It all seemed so overwhelming. And honestly, I was scared. 

Then there was a moment when I stopped, listened, and thought about what the universe was telling me. I realized, that even when I thought the loneliness would kill me someone called me, texted me, or reached out. I learned to tell those people I really and truly loved that I loved them. I created space in relationships that no longer needed my attention.  I leaned into what I was feeling and let myself be angry or cry.  I even realized that maybe this was preparing me for something else.  

I have seen the best and worst in people, and in a year with so much friction and distractions, I had to learn to pay attention to what our society was turning into. We are so divided that we have forgotten how to love each other without reservation.

I don’t know about you but I long for the days to be in a crowd, to sit in a restaurant, or have the freedom to have dinner with friends. I long to just go to a spin class and as the lights go out and the music starts to pump, I can breathe into my body and let it go as my friends all around me do the same thing.  I now know what I really appreciate and what I miss so much.

I miss the human touch, reactions, embraces, handshakes, and kisses. 2020 came in with a vision and as I look back in a clear view, I see that I am forever thankful for all of you who have supported me. I don’t know what 2021 will bring, but I am hopeful that things will improve. Let’s face it, we may never be the same again, but if we can possibly do one thing a day to make one other person’s day better then let us start there.

Be the One who can make a difference…a call, a text, and an unexpected moment of gratitude towards a stranger. 

In the meantime, as we say See You Later Alligator to 2020 ~

 Let’s invite in, the elephant in the room – 2021.

2020 ~You know that one friend? The award goes to…

For me, 2020 brought out the best and worst of all of us. We quickly figured out who was in our corner and who we needed to be wary of…. The ones that made you laugh, who encouraged you, and those who you decided needed to be blocked because the differences were too loud for you. For me this year has brought back the people & friendships who have leaned into me and I into them.  

But there is THE one person who is one of my FAVORITE people in the whole wide world who helped me make it through 2020.  You know, the person you could get stuck in an elevator with and laugh for hours…and when the firemen open the doors you go, “how you doing?” Friends style…

A little back story.

The first time I met my person of 2020, we were a match made in life… we met in 2006 at PCA Health Plan. We worked together and celebrated moments of happiness, talked about Seinfeld episodes, and also vented about our ongoing management that was ever-changing. We drove miles to be with each other to have lunch. And when one day at lunch he said he was having heart surgery he did it so fast between, by the way, and turned to the waiter at lunch and said I will have an ice-tea, I almost died…like…umm I need a little bit more runway for this type of news!

So, for years, my 2020 person was the one I could pick up the phone and say ~ HEY, How, you Doing? ~ (Friends style) and we would pick right up no matter how many days, months, or years went by.

But then came the dark time when my 2020 person walked me through my dad’s end-of-life transition. He was My Person to say ~ it sucks, but time will heal you~ and he was right.

And within weeks, as my husband laid in a bed dying my husband said ~ CALL JOSE, HE KNOWS WHAT TO DO AND WILL BE THERE FOR YOU.

And yes, Jose, my 2020 person, was there on the runway at the San Antonio international airport, waiting for me and probably got the only scream I let out loud. My only moment of losing it…he was so calm and cool you know the voice I needed to hear at that time. ~ Pip I got you~ he said.

So, fast forward and pop into 2020, and yep IF I could go through this year with ANYONE, for me it was my friend Jose Martinez.  We laughed so much this year, masks on, hand sanitizer spray you name it, we had curiosity around what was going on in the world and had moments of sadness and disbelief, and we did it together.  I am so Thankful for a friend like him and his partner Paul, who put up with us! 

Who is your 2020 person of the year?

Flying SOLO

Life Transition.

It is never easy. As I sat on a zoom call with a group of professional women today discussing Grief, we all shared our thoughts on how this year has felt and all the different things we have experienced.

I sat staring into the eyes of a Beautiful woman, who had lost her husband unexpectantly this year. She and her adult daughters were devastated, and I could see myself in her. I spoke in the kindest voice I could offer her and heard myself say ~

 “I am in my 6th year and I have had to make some hard decisions this year, one being to begin my own life for myself and it has been difficult. One of my kids is angry for the decision to pull away and the other cheers me on, just know, I am here to hold the flashlight for you.”

I sat back and reflected.

Yes, this year has had many transitions.  Selling my childhood home, thinking I could live with my son and his fiancé in what we were trying to build together ~ a generational home. But as the days inched closer, I thought, I still needed to be by myself and learn to love myself alone. How would I ever even open the possibility of allowing someone else to love me if I am living with my son? I am 52. I know I am still young, and Carl told me to LOVE AGAIN.

So slowly putting the wheel in motion, I pulled out my excel spreadsheet to begin the journey. I know it sounds crazy, but I needed to know my baseline on finances, I needed to understand how I would do this ~ alone. I went to meet my lawyer and he encouraged me to be set free to fly on my own. He then said something I found myself leaning my head back and laugh at, he said ~ “EVEN AN ADVOCATE NEEDS AN ADVOCATE!”

I knew I needed to get my life-long items out of the house and that it would charge emotions, so I took my lawyer’s advice and hired Lone Star Legacy Liquidators who is not only a Trusted Partner for LOLA but also a LOLA Advocate.

Jesse Morales and his team walked through the list and showed up, packed and boxed everything and I didn’t even have to show up!  They handled everything down to reorganizing my storage unit. They held my hand through this life transition, and I am forever grateful. While flying solo is scary for me, I have landed in the softest place ever with a friend who loves puzzles, gardening, and WINE. It’s a start and I know my kids will eventually see that this selfish move is not more than a move for me to finally fly solo.

I am so lucky, my kids have landed and found love and partners and I always said once they found people who loved them as much as I did then I could move on.  I think this is called a life transition and yes, I did need a LOLA Advocate and am so thankful for Jesse and his team.

 #lossoflifeadvocates #griefsupport #guidance

Don't Give up Now.

Don’t give up now.

As we enter into September, I can vividly see back in March when we first entered into COVID19 hibernation and pandemic when Dr. Fauci said, “we could be into this for months at least until August”…  AUGUST?!!!  My kids and I freaked! Good grief how will we ever make it? Toilet paper, paper towels, food limits, could we do this for the next 5 months?

As we entered into May, we had conflicting messages ~ it’s ok to go out, don’t wear a mask, wear a mask, open up restaurants and bars, shut them down, go back to work, go home.  Need I go on?

In our sweet Texas town of San Antonio, so blessed with many people who are friendly and love our Mexican food, (mainly tacos) we started the summer with Memorial Day. Families gathered, friends got together, and graduations began like none other before. New ways of celebrating life’s most important moments were captured on social media. I have to hand it to families with high schoolers graduating, they made some really cool moments.

 In late June, our numbers of those infected crept up and our community was clearly under attack. Precautions were taken and we slowly went back to our homes being cautious.

 For LOLA, I have to admit I have witnessed and listened to families grieve like NEVER before. While some people may take this post as a political message, I say to you this ~ Death is not political. Death will take us all and does not care whether you are young or old or relatively healthy or not ~ Death is sad. 

 Families are hurting, families are struggling to balance home schooling, work and life.

 Families are watching their loved ones die on Facetime or Zoom. They cannot wrap their brains around this reality. Families who were in need of hearts, had cancer or some major illness, are grieving their loved ones who are also dying during this muted time. Families are struggling and sad.

 My message is simple ~ No matter what the media shows you ~ DO NOT GIVE UP NOW.

 Continue to do everything to protect the ones you love as well as strangers.  Now more than ever is a time to be Selfless. 

 If you know someone needing support during this time, please let us know, we are here to help.

 www.lossoflifeadvocates.com

Paper Napkin Mother's Day Card

On my first Mother’s Day with Carl, I remember him telling me ~ “Am I supposed to do something for you? You are not my mom.” (Can you picture me? Or my face?) I have to laugh now because I remember standing in the kitchen and looking at him like an alien. I knew my response had to be one that would not be forgotten.

“I may Not be Your mother, but I am THE mother of your children.”

I think I saw lightning strike! And the next thing I knew I had a Mother’s Day card hand made from a paper napkin on my bed pillow with a flower. These memories crack me up every time I think of them, because Carl was just like that, so sure he was right until I had to politely tell him differently.

Here it is May 10, 2020, and I can say with all seriousness, this Mother’s Day feels strange. I can’t help but miss my Mom and Carl. It’s strange. Maybe because the last mothers’ day I had with Carl in 2014, I remember calling Carl and telling him it was snowing in Denver. I remember waking up and looking outside the apartment window in Wash Park and thinking ~ This is bananas. But it was beautiful and by the afternoon the snow was melted. (I have to smile thinking about this.)

Flash forward 6 years and let’s just say ~ these are some crazy times right now.

I am being more of a MOM now than ever before.

I am cooking every day, spending time being present in the backyard listening to the sounds of my neighbors and wind. I talk with my kids several times a day, we eat and take walks, and talk. It’s actually been nice to be Nathan and Adyn’s MOM and Noah Jude’s Grandma. I love being their Mom and wish more than ever my partner was here to enjoy this time.

Don’t get me wrong, it has been stressful. Social Distancing, not being close to extended family and friends. Work, you name it ~ the stress is there.

BUT...I feel like these last 8 weeks have taught me something. I KNOW who my real friends are, they are the ones who check in, text, pick up your call on the first ring and reach out to make sure I am doing ok. I also know who the relationships are that I need to pay attention to~ and possibly make some changes.

Energy, it all comes down to this ~ on a Day where we get to just be Celebrated as a MOM. It is also a day to pivot and decide where our energy will be focused coming out of our country’s crisis coma. As MOMS, we are the leaders who will show our kids how to respond and move forward. So I am going to relish the memories of those I miss on this day and celebrate with my kids and grandson to prepare for the new frontier.

Happy Mother’s Day~2020

Farewell to another part of our Pipoly Family

Indy – Our Black Labrador

She was the family dog after we lost Ceasar our beloved chocolate lab who died in 2006.  He was a monster and for a childhood dog, we thought no other pet could ever match his character. 

Adyn and I set out on a Sunday afternoon to Floresville, Texas to find our new puppy. She was a tiny black Labrador and the lady selling her said she would knock off $50 if we took her then and there. SOLD! We first had to chase her down and then put her in the car where Adyn held her all the way home.

Carl named her after the Indianapolis 500 because she loved running in circles around the front and back yard.  She won over Carl’s heart in a New York second.

Carl never picked on her, he always treated her like royalty. As the years progressed and we grew into another black Labrador, (Oliver) these two were our children after our kids went away to college.

When Carl grew ill and flew back to San Antonio for work one last time before going to Mexico for Cancer Treatment, Nathan told me how Indy jumped up to Hug Carl as if to say hello and goodbye.

When Carl passed away and we made it to my father’s house, both labs were waiting for us – as a matter of fact, they came running into the front yard to greet us. It was them comforting us when we needed it most.

For the past 5 years, we have been blessed to have Indy to keep the other dogs in check. She has been a best friend, a comforting hug and wet sloppy kiss. We will miss her.

We owe her so much for her time with us and are grateful for her love. Rest in Peace Sweet Indy Girl ~ You are loved so much for a job well done.