WHY Does It Hurt So Bad When You Lose A Pet…?

WHY does it hurt so bad when you lose a pet…?

This week, the final domino fell for us, having lost our beloved black lab Oliver.

I called him Braveheart because he was just that for me. He lived almost 15 years and was picked out and brought home by Carl. I recall Adyn calling me at work and saying, “Dad brought home a puppy,” and me responding with “wrong number” and hung up. (sigh)

Oliver was named after Oliver Twist, and boy did our other black lab, Indy, who crossed over a few years ago, torture him. She chased him, dragged him around by his collar until one day he grew larger than she was, and the table turned. Oliver and Indy were the kids I had when my own went off to college. They sat with me in my tears and jumped and danced with me in laughter and joy. They grieved with my kids and me after our losses. They never complained about what TV shows I would watch or the meals I made. My Black Labs were perfect companions.

We had anticipated that our time was coming to a close with Oliver, but as many of you know, it is like getting gut-punched when you make “the difficult” decision. As we sat holding him, our vet talked with us, and we recalled stories of him jumping out of a window to chase burglars away. He and our corgi, Walter, never got along. And that is why Walter lives in Denver. Oh, the fights those two would have. And as we sat talking, I started doing my relationship line with Oliver, from first impression to these last few minutes. It’s part of my Grief Recovery Method Certification I use with clients, and now I am using it for myself. I was and AM so very SAD. Like the back of my eyes want to burst into tears, my throat hurts, and in the silent moments, the cries that come out are wails with me crawling into a ball.

As we sat there, the elephant in the room was, “How will we explain this to Noah?” He is only four years old. It is a delicate conversation. Right?

But you know how kids teach you lessons? As we cried out our tears with our vet, Ben Kaiser, and left for home, it felt like we were under a million bricks. It was a heavy evening and night.

And what lesson did Noah teach us? Well, part of Noah’s afternoon schedule is feeding the dogs, so when it came time, he asked where “woofy” was, and I could hear his dad respond with a kind, soft-spoken, “Oliver is now in Heaven with Grandpa Carl, Indy, his great-grandpa Gus and great-grandma LOLA. And, without a beat, Noah said – “OK, he’s OK. I will miss him”.

Our hearts are still fresh with our loss, and we really miss our Braveheart. But as life moves on, our chocolate lab, Charlee, doesn’t know what to think; she’s been under a table, not wanting to trust anyone. Except for Noah and his PB&J.

Rest in Peace, Sweet Oliver, Braveheart~ Woofy.

This Moment

This moment.

Maybe it has taken me 7 years to get to this moment, to realize that what I am doing is for this very moment – this snapshot in time.

Today was difficult, and yesterday was hard…because we knew what was coming. September 28th. The mark of time where we three, sit with our feelings and try and act like – we are ok. But we are not. We are still grieving what we all miss when we share special moments like a wedding or a celebratory dinner… the one person who somehow made us complete. Carl.

Loss is never easy, I explain that when I have an initial consult with a client and new friend because that is what we become as we share the journey together. I made it clear that I would never lie to anyone when it came to grief. It stinks, it stings, and it never gets easier. You just look at it through different lenses.

But today, we went about trying to make ourselves busy. I took the day off with the exception of 2 calls I had to make for work. Then we set out to find some sense of adventure because that is what Carl would have wanted.

After many attempts and the day grew hotter, we settled on lawn ornaments for Halloween, one of Carl’s favorite holidays leading into all the others. We took Noah’s jeep out and showed him how to clean it because every day Carl would come home, come inside, pour a glass of wine, and then go outside to clean his car. He was a maniac about it. Noah played in the bubbles, then we blew up his lawn ornaments and he jumped in to drive his jeep. We cheered and laughed and when the battery died, I jumped on his tricycle and he lept on back yelling- GOOOOO! We laughed and laughed and that was the moment when I saw the pictures later, that I realized we are coming out of the fog. Because we have this beacon of light and laughter leading us…our miracle in all of our darkness – Noah Jude Pipoly.

I always get questions about how I can do what I do ~ well the answer is twofold. One is I love helping others through their darkest moments. The second is, Noah. One day he will look back and say ~ she lived for the moments, gave me her best moments, and always loved me. He will know that life is a journey, and its most precious gift is time spent with those you love.

This moment was picture perfect.

Much Love, Esther

Don't Give up Now.

Don’t give up now.

As we enter into September, I can vividly see back in March when we first entered into COVID19 hibernation and pandemic when Dr. Fauci said, “we could be into this for months at least until August”…  AUGUST?!!!  My kids and I freaked! Good grief how will we ever make it? Toilet paper, paper towels, food limits, could we do this for the next 5 months?

As we entered into May, we had conflicting messages ~ it’s ok to go out, don’t wear a mask, wear a mask, open up restaurants and bars, shut them down, go back to work, go home.  Need I go on?

In our sweet Texas town of San Antonio, so blessed with many people who are friendly and love our Mexican food, (mainly tacos) we started the summer with Memorial Day. Families gathered, friends got together, and graduations began like none other before. New ways of celebrating life’s most important moments were captured on social media. I have to hand it to families with high schoolers graduating, they made some really cool moments.

 In late June, our numbers of those infected crept up and our community was clearly under attack. Precautions were taken and we slowly went back to our homes being cautious.

 For LOLA, I have to admit I have witnessed and listened to families grieve like NEVER before. While some people may take this post as a political message, I say to you this ~ Death is not political. Death will take us all and does not care whether you are young or old or relatively healthy or not ~ Death is sad. 

 Families are hurting, families are struggling to balance home schooling, work and life.

 Families are watching their loved ones die on Facetime or Zoom. They cannot wrap their brains around this reality. Families who were in need of hearts, had cancer or some major illness, are grieving their loved ones who are also dying during this muted time. Families are struggling and sad.

 My message is simple ~ No matter what the media shows you ~ DO NOT GIVE UP NOW.

 Continue to do everything to protect the ones you love as well as strangers.  Now more than ever is a time to be Selfless. 

 If you know someone needing support during this time, please let us know, we are here to help.

 www.lossoflifeadvocates.com

Half empty or half full ~ mid year thoughts

Year half full or half empty…

As we entered into July, I knew I needed to evaluate the year, how far have I come and how far do I have to go to reach my 2020 goals? 

I was so optimistic about ringing in the New Year with my friends and family! Wow…2020, I made it through the 5-year mark of being a widow, a single mom, a new business owner and so much more. I wanted more than anything for this year to be the year of transition for me.

I close my eyes and can still feel the loneliness after losing my partner of 26 years. And I remember the words coming out of my mouth to anyone’s questions~ just give me 5 years. Why 5 years? Because I had spent the previous 26 with a man who I met on a blind date, who ended up being my forever person and I did what no other human wants to do, I crossed him over the threshold of death. I have so many widow friends who jumped right on into dating, and I never judged them because everyone manages death and loss differently. I, on the other hand, gave myself the time to just BE. Be Me. Be mom. Be Esther.

So, flash forward to 2020 and I knew this was THE year to start building my own dreams. And well so far, I can’t say this is what I was envisioning. What I got was so much MORE than I ever thought I would get. I got time with my kids, to talk, laugh and learn together. To allow ourselves to not focus on the future but focus on the present day, living every moment to its fullest.  There were a few moments we would ask out loud when our current status would be lifted and in the next breath, as we watched New York, we knew that we were in for the long haul. So, I took a deep breath…in and out.

I set out during this time to do as much creative work for LOLA as I could for my company and learned how technology was our friend and we could still reach our families and network of partners needing our help. We are unique, we do things you cannot even begin to imagine when a loved one is diagnosed or dying. We step in to do the business of it all so families can grieve and not worry about bill collectors.  We manage chaos and can do this virtually.

As I take a breath at mid-year to reflect on what has passed and what is in front of us, I pause to ask the question, is the glass half empty or half full? I think in my heart it is more than half full. I know we have been lucky and safe these past 6 months, and I also see the emptiness of it as well ~ the goals I had, but I know someday will be realized. It may not be now but will happen.

I see in my glass half empty things I will never complain about again and I just plain miss ~ too many Starbucks coffee meet-ups, having idle chat with associates, partners, friends. Get togethers’ for dinner or a car ride to an event, or even attending an event together. Waiting at a restaurant for a table, and hearing families celebrate in a room. Seeing someone I genuinely care about and walk-up with vigor to hug them and say hello, visiting a friend in the hospital, holding my best friend’s newborn, the milestones of life~ just a few things I miss.

The answer is the glass can be half empty and half full~

Meltdowns

Meltdowns were happening before we all had to go home. We would call each other and tell each other how much work we had and how busy we were and how tired we were... then one day it all started to change, and as each day grew into another, we had to slow down, pivot, and find new ways to communicate, work with our clients and coworkers. Let’s face it, we all watched paint dry on the wall.

Our new norm has been to cram as many Zoom or WebEx calls into a day to feel like we were still busy and not losing ground. We have been tirelessly trying to figure out how to balance kids, spouses, and work all the while watching the world slowly come to a pause.

So, as I start to review emails coming in from different groups and publications taking notice of the Mental Health of their workforce and providing resources, I want to share my thoughts with you.

These last few weeks have felt like the time period right after my husband died when I felt sad and heavy and numb. I started to have the classic STERBS again, you know, eating, drinking, shopping too much. I was doing some things like an Indy 500 driver and other things like a sloth. I could not find balance. When he passed, grief and depression found me on my employer's 5th-floor bathroom floor. Crying so hard I could not catch my breath. I didn’t see the signs coming at me until I was there, in that space on the floor.

So, in these last few weeks, I have had to “check myself” and find new ways to love myself. I have had to slow down, remember to make lists and find time to love my family. Because NOW, will never happen again. Making dinner together, eating together, watching tv, taking walks together, or just talking outside will be hard to do once we start to re-enter the new frontier. So LIVE in the NOW.

The publications and emails are not wrong, some of us are at home and isolated and not handling things so well, and others are filling up the space so tight we feel our heads are going to pop off and when we return to work, we will be exhausted and have a Meltdown.

SO, take a deep breath 4,3,2, 1...in and out and breathe.

If you need support, there are several resources we can point you to for help. We work with a team of wonderful professionals. We are here to be a heart with ears for you and most of all remember you are LOVED.

www.lossoflifeadvocates.com